Life in Wartime
by sailor8t
Summary: What if Buffy went to hell when she jumped into the portal at the end of The Gift?
1. Chapter 1

Buffy and Her Friends are owned by Joss Whedon and a bunch of suits. I'm altering their realities for fun, not profit, as I own nothing and have the credit report to prove it.

* * *

Even after the others crept away, Willow waited. She was tired, more tired than usual, and blood dripped steadily from her nose. Willow long ago gave up trying to stop it. She stayed in the trees, gritting her teeth each time the motorcycles came near. Her eyes remained on Buffy's grave, hopeful still that the resurrection spell would work, that the dark blotches she felt so acutely on her soul weren't for naught.

At first, she thought her eyes were playing tricks on her. The grass undulated, and Willow blinked to clear her vision, and looked again. The grass was definitely moving, almost as if it were breathing. Willow took a deep breath and moved from the relative safety of the trees into the open cemetery. She heard motorcycles drawing closer, but ignored that for the moment.

A hand appeared, and Willow grasped the wrist firmly and leaned back, letting her slight weight assist her pulling. Within moments, Buffy Summers, protector of the human world, was free from the waist up. There was a wild look in her eyes, and she growled as Willow continued to help her from the earth.

The motorcycles were louder now, and Willow saw the flash of a headlight. She tried to pull Buffy toward the trees, but Buffy resisted. She pushed Willow away, and as she fell to the ground, Buffy turned to face the noise that grated so horribly through her ears and into her brain. Willow scrambled up and approached Buffy again. By the time she reached her, the motorcycles were there.

At first there was only one demon, circling them and throwing up clods of grass and earth. A second, and a third joined it, and after that, Willow lost count of how many there were. She touched Buffy's shoulder, and Buffy shrugged her off. Then she launched herself at the largest creature.

Willow watched, stunned, as Buffy ripped it to pieces. She thought she heard the Slayer making noises, grunts and growls, but couldn't be sure because of the din of the motorcycles. Buffy launched herself at another, and another, before the other demons realized what was happening. She ripped an arm from one and used it as a club to knock the others to the ground. Before they could mount a counterattack, Buffy moved from one to another. She bit, kicked, and punched. There was no finesse to her attack. She ripped the last demon's head from its body and held it over her head as a trophy, mindless of the blood and ichor that fell onto her.

For a moment, Willow was afraid. Buffy drop kicked the head away and turned her attention to the redhead. She examined her through narrowed eyes, then came close. She sniffed Willow, circling her as the witch stood as still as she could. Buffy poked her experimentally, and Willow couldn't stop her cry of pain. Buffy paused and looked at her suspiciously. A low growl came from the Slayer's throat.

"Buffy," Willow said tentatively, but received no verbal response.

The Slayer lifted Willow easily and threw her over one shoulder. She headed for the far side of the cemetery.

"Hey!" Willow protested. "Buffy, this isn't funny. Put me down!"

Buffy ignored her, and when Willow slapped her back, Buffy gripped her more securely, forcing most of the air from Willow's lungs. After that, Willow decided to wait until they stopped to reason with Buffy. Willow lost track of where they were going. Buffy didn't care what they walked through, and although she moved stealthily, her gait was uneven. The bouncing made Willow feel more ill, and soon her only thought was the hope that they would stop.

Buffy continued to move away from Sunnydale proper, away from the noises that hurt her ears, and away from the demons causing them. She didn't have a goal except to stay away from others. Others always meant trouble and pain. The one slung over her shoulder was neither of those things. She was familiar to Buffy, who brought her along to keep her safe.

They ended up at the cave complex just past Sunnydale's eastern border. Buffy approached cautiously, sniffing the air with every step. She avoided the large open entrance in favor of a smaller one that was nearly invisible behind a thicket of briars. She stooped and picked up a stone and threw it in the cave to make certain it was deserted. Once she was satisfied, she edged around the thorns, ignoring those that caught in their clothes and hair, and took them into the cave.

Buffy unceremoniously dumped Willow on the ground and prowled around, reassuring herself that there was no one else there. Willow was too miserable to care. Blood dripped from her nose, her head pounded, and she was sick to her stomach from the combination of magic backlash and Buffy's rough handling. When Buffy returned to her, she again sniffed Willow carefully. Willow reached for her, but Buffy smacked her hand away.

"Buffy, what's wrong?" Willow asked.

Buffy growled.

Willow closed her eyes. She was enervated and heartbroken. Although it was Buffy's body, it wasn't her friend. She wasn't certain what was going on, and could only hope that Buffy would continue to believe she was no threat. She felt Buffy's breath on her cheek, and remained perfectly still. A few moments later, Buffy grunted and moved away. Willow couldn't help herself. Exhaustion overtook her, and she fell asleep.

She woke to a disturbing sight. Buffy crouched two feet away, her face and hands covered in fresh blood. Buffy grunted and bit into whatever it was in her hands. She greedily slurped in the piece that broke away. She saw Willow's open eyes and tore it in half. She tossed it so that it landed right in front of Willow. Willow pushed herself up, turned her head, and vomited.

* * *

At 1630 Revello Drive, Tara paced in front of Xander and Anya, seated on the couch. "I can't believe you left her," she said again to Xander.

"I didn't leave her. We got separated," he explained again. "I'm sure she'll be home soon."

"You saw those demons, Xander," Tara said.

"I did. Will's smart. She'll be fine."

"She used so much magic, she won't be able to defend herself." Tara reached the end of the room and turned to begin her next circuit.

"As soon as it's light, I'll go look for her," Xander said. He stared at the floor, remembering the horrific changes that came over and through Willow as she worked the spell.

Anya, for once, was silent, and that worried Tara more than anything.

* * *

Willow moved away from the pool of vomit, further back into the cave and away from Buffy. Buffy watched her, and Willow moved slowly, partly because she felt so bad and partly to prevent Buffy from charging her. Buffy finished what was in her hands. Willow heard bones crack and crunch as Buffy chewed, and struggled not to vomit again.

Buffy stood, but not completely upright. She slouched over and picked up the bloody chunk of meat she had tossed to Willow, ignoring the mess inches from it. Buffy approached Willow, holding her offering out to the redhead.

"No, thanks, I'm not hungry," Willow said. Her voice was shaky.

Buffy thrust it insistently at her, and Willow shook her head. She kept her hands at her sides. Buffy looked at her, shrugged, and stuffed the meat into her mouth. Willow looked at the ground. Buffy was still chewing, thankfully with her mouth closed, when she grabbed Willow's arm and pulled them even deeper into the cave.

An opening in the ceiling let in enough light for Willow to see, and she did her best to keep up with the Slayer, who loped along while keeping a firm grip on Willow's forearm. When they stopped, Willow saw why Buffy had taken them further in. There was a small pool of water, its surface broken by the force of the artesian spring that created it. Buffy released Willow and threw herself onto her stomach. She put her face in the water and sucked in her fill. Willow knelt beside her and drank from her cupped hands while Buffy watched curiously. Moments later, she copied Willow's actions. That relieved Willow's anxiety a little. When Buffy finished drinking, Willow washed her hands and face, and again, Buffy mimicked her.

Willow looked carefully at Buffy, and was reminded of Buffy's transformation by cursed beer during their first year of college. This went deeper, though, as though something fundamental had changed. There was something familiar about Buffy's behaviors, although Willow couldn't figure out why. She was brought from her thoughts by Buffy's firm grip on her forearm. Buffy led them even deeper into the cave, and when she found a place that suited her, dropped to the cave floor. She pulled Willow down, too, and moved her until Willow sat between Buffy's splayed legs, her back to Buffy. Buffy locked her legs around Willow. She wrapped her arms around her, too, and leaned back, pulling Willow along. She examined Willow's ears, neck, and shoulders carefully. Willow tracked the explorations by Buffy's quick exhalations.

Whatever Buffy was looking for or trying to learn must have been satisfactory. She tightened her grips on Willow, and soon was breathing slowly and evenly. Having nothing else to do, and still worn out from expending more power than any one human should, Willow slept, too.

* * *

Xander began his search at the cemetery. What he found was distressing. The demons vandalized the cemetery, and something vandalized them. There were body parts and bits of broken motorcycle all around Buffy's grave. The Urn of Osiris lay dented and discarded at the base of Buffy's smashed tombstone. The grass was torn up everywhere, and Xander found no evidence of Willow or any other human.

He left the cemetery and began to search Sunnydale systematically. The last place he checked was the Rosenberg house, but it, too, was empty. Disheartened, Xander walked slowly toward the Magic Box. Around him, Sunnydale residents cleaned up the mess. Downtown looked like a CNN feed from the Middle East.

In the Magic Box, Dawn, Tara, and Anya were doing their best to return the store to its normal tidy state. All of them looked up when the bell rang. Xander stood in the doorway and looked at the floor, unwilling to meet Tara's eyes.

Anya said his name uncertainly.

"I'm sorry," Xander said.

Tara felt all of the air leave her body as she collapsed. Dawn was beside her a moment later. She didn't say anything as she wrapped her arms around Tara. In the far-off background, Tara heard Anya and Xander talking.

"I looked everywhere, An." Xander was determined not to cry in front of them. This was worse than Buffy's death. Willow was part of everything in his life.

Anya looked helplessly from Tara to Xander. She always expected Buffy's death, and wasn't surprised when it happened. But Willow...even when they clashed, she liked the redhead, liked the way she learned to stand up for herself and speak her mind. She went to Xander and wrapped her arms around him.

* * *

Buffy woke and stretched. Willow tried to stand up, but Buffy wouldn't allow it. She did let Willow turn a little more than 90 degrees, so that Willow could see her easily. Except for being dirty, Buffy looked like Buffy. Willow wondered whether she remembered anything of her life in Sunnydale.

Willow opened her mouth to speak, and Buffy clamped her hand across it. She tilted her head, obviously hearing something that Willow couldn't. When Willow heard rocks dislodge at the entrance, Buffy got to her feet and disappeared into the shadows. Moments later, Willow heard a series of sounds: the whistling of a stone thrown at high speed; its impact with an object; and the collapse of a sizeable body. She got up and moved quietly toward the entrance.

Buffy stood over yet another demon. It was kin to those she destroyed the night before, and as Willow watched, Buffy calmly kneeled on its back and ripped its head from its body. She looked up and saw Willow as she tossed the head aside. Buffy moved quickly toward Willow, who involuntarily backed away from her. It didn't stop Buffy, who again tossed Willow over her shoulder and pushed her way through the briars at the entrance.

After several minutes, they stopped in the deep shade of old trees. Buffy put Willow on her feet. Willow grabbed Buffy's hand and held on, and started them walking. She knew more or less where they were, and knew, too, that she had to find a safe place for them to spend some time. She thought about Angel's mansion on Crawford Street, but it was far away and activity there would attract attention. Her next thought was of Oz's cage. The more she considered it, the better it seemed. She could lock Buffy up if she had to. The crypt that held it was in an unused part of one of Sunnydale's oldest cemeteries, so it was unlikely that anyone would stumble across them. All she had to do now was get Buffy there.

Buffy followed her willingly for the most part. She was easily distracted, and when she wanted to stop, nothing Willow could do made her move until Buffy was ready. It was late in the day by the time they slipped into the crypt. Buffy hadn't spoken. She responded to Willow's overtures with grunts and wary looks.

The place where Willow's heart broke for the first time was unchanged except for a layer of dust. Willow led Buffy into the cage and shut the door. Buffy looked angry at that, and Willow tried to calm her. After a few tense moments, Buffy accepted the situation and began to explore. Willow removed the extra key from its place on the wall and locked them in. She put the key in her pocket and waited for Buffy to finish sniffing around.

Buffy's lip curled at the scent of yet another demon. The odor was old, though, and she decided they were safe. She returned to Willow, and pulled her to the wall opposite the door. They returned to their earlier position, Buffy leaning against the wall, her arms and legs locked around Willow to hold her firmly against her body.

"I wish you understood me," Willow said.

Buffy grunted, and Willow felt Buffy's nose against the nape of her neck. She waited patiently for the Slayer to fall asleep. Once Willow was certain Buffy was out, she carefully wormed her way from Buffy's hold. They needed things, and Buffy couldn't run loose.

Buffy woke when the door closed. Willow was removing the key from the lock by the time Buffy reached the door. Willow, uncertain of Buffy's intention, backed away, and Buffy whimpered. That sound, so forlorn, hurt Willow as much as anything had since Buffy's death. "I'll be back soon," she promised, and turned away.

While Willow walked to her house, she went over the spell again, but could find nothing that would cause Buffy to be like she was. Willow knew she couldn't let the others see Buffy. She bullied and cajoled until they acquiesced to her demand to resurrect the Slayer, and Willow couldn't bear to see the disappointment in their eyes, especially Tara's.

She realized it was the first time she thought of her lover since long before they left for the cemetery the night before. Tara would be worried, but Willow could do nothing about it now. Buffy was her priority. Willow arrived at her parents' house and began piling things they needed on the kitchen table. When the tabletop was full, she loaded the items into plastic trash bags, took them to the garage, and pushed them in the back of her mother's Volvo. She made one more trip to the kitchen, and emptied it of anything edible. In the last bag she put a can opener, paper plates, cutlery and plastic glasses. She pulled two envelopes from the refrigerator on her final trip from the kitchen. She put them in the visor before starting the car. On the way to the cemetery, Willow stopped at the grocery store, where she bought two cases of bottled water and a container of baby wipes.

She parked beside the crypt entrance. Its door faced away from the road, and it was improbable that anyone would notice a car there. Willow grabbed the first bag and slung it over her shoulder. She emptied the car, and Buffy looked curiously at her as she lined the outside of the cage with plastic bags. When the car was empty, Willow let herself back into the cage and again locked them in.

Buffy immediately approached her and began sniffing. She reminded Willow of the dog Xander had when they were young. Every time they came in from playing in the yard, the dog inspected them. Willow stood still and let Buffy examine her. When she finished, Buffy grunted and turned her attention to the one of the black plastic bags. She began with a visual examination, then moved to smelling it, and finally touched it cautiously. Willow watched her, waiting to see what Buffy would do.

Buffy pawed at the bag until its opening unfurled. She stuck her hand in and pulled out the first thing she touched, a nearly full jar of peanut butter. When Buffy couldn't figure out how to open it, she tossed it aside. Willow recovered it and opened it. She held it in front of her and said Buffy's name. She repeated it until Buffy turned around. Willow pointed at her and said, "Buffy." Then she pointed at herself and said, "Willow."

Buffy ignored her as she moved closer, drawn by the smell of peanut butter. To show her it was safe, Willow scooped some onto her index finger and put it in her mouth. Buffy watched intently, and repeated the action when Willow offered her the jar. After a taste, Buffy snatched the jar from Willow and retreated to a corner. She hunched over the jar, growling while she dug peanut butter out with her fingers.

Willow took advantage of Buffy's preoccupation to check the bags and see which ones held what. That finished, she tore open the plastic wrap on one of the cases of water and pulled two bottles inside with them, setting one aside for herself. She wondered whether it was safe to approach Buffy, and decided to take her chances. Buffy growled louder the closer she got, and Willow stopped a few feet from her. She twisted the lid off the water bottle. She drank from it and held it out to Buffy.

Buffy moved incredibly fast. She leaped up, snatched the water bottle from Willow's hand, and returned to her corner in less than a second. Willow watched her for a few more seconds before withdrawing to the other side of the cage.

As night drew closer, Buffy became increasingly restless. Willow did her best to ignore the pacing Slayer while she prepared beds for them against the back wall. She smiled wistfully at the sleeping bags, remembering the last time she and Xander used them. His had Spiderman on it; hers had the Smurfs, and they camped in the Rosenberg back yard, pretending it was the jungle.

That job finished, she went through the food until she found tuna and crackers, and sat down to eat. Buffy sidled up to her, and Willow offered her a cracker with a chunk of tuna. Buffy took it gently, and sniffed it before putting it in her mouth. Moments later, she tugged on Willow's sleeve. Willow took that to mean that Buffy wanted more, and handed her another cracker. They continued to share until the tuna was gone. Willow handed the nearly empty sleeve of crackers to Buffy, who made quick work of them.

Willow stood up and brushed off the crumbs, then went to her sleeping bag. She got in and tried to make herself comfortable, but Buffy wasn't having it. Willow unzipped the bag and threw it open. Buffy kneeled at Willow's waist. Willow waited to see what Buffy would do next, but Buffy just sat there and stared at her. Willow sighed and sat up, and Buffy moved behind her and wrapped her arms and legs securely around Willow.

* * *

They all sat on the couch in Xander's apartment and watched night fall onto Sunnydale. Tara hadn't made a sound in the hours since Xander returned to the shop. Xander did what he could to secure the doors, and brought them all to his place. The thought of Buffy's house made his heart seize up, and he couldn't begin to imagine what it would to Tara and Dawn.

Anya didn't protest about the cost when he called Giles to tell him. Giles was stunned, but said nothing about coming back. For Xander, that was the final straw. They were only human; without Buffy or Willow to protect them, Sunnydale was an extraordinarily dangerous place. Without them, there was no reason for him to stay here, no reason for the others to remain. He doubted that Willow's parents would notice her absence, and he had no idea how to reach them to tell them she was gone. He made his decision in a few moments, and went over it again and again, always coming to the same conclusions. It was up to him to take care of the others, and the first thing to do was get far away from the hellmouth.

He looked down the sofa at them. Anya at his side, uncertain what, if anything, to do. Dawn, struggling to be grown-up and keep Tara from losing it, even though she'd lost her fourth parental figure in less than a year. Tara, withdrawn and silent, staring only at the floor. He would tell them later. Right now, he had to take care of them. They had to eat, and he reached for the phone and called for pizza.

* * *

Willow woke because Buffy was growling softly. She turned as much as she could, trying to see whether Buffy was awake. Buffy's eyes were closed. Willow moved her hand over Buffy's and stroked gently. The touch woke the Slayer instantly. Buffy jerked awake and wildly looked around. Once she realized she was safe, she readjusted her hold on Willow and rested her chin on the redhead's shoulder before going back to sleep. Willow took a deep breath and closed her eyes. There had been too many months with not enough rest, and she dropped off quickly.

In the morning, she opened a box of cereal and handed it to Buffy, and got graham crackers for herself. Buffy set her cereal aside and got water bottles, placing one in front of Willow before retreating to a corner to eat. When they finished, Willow said Buffy's name. This time, the blonde looked at her expectantly. "Can you talk?" Willow asked.

"Wil-low." Buffy said slowly.

Willow beamed at her. "Very good, Buffy."

Buffy held out the empty cereal box. For the rest of the day, Buffy brought items to Willow, who told her their names. Buffy repeated the words back to her, and each time, Willow praised her. It made the time go a little faster, but like before, as night approached, Buffy paced anxiously, growling occasionally. As much as she wanted to let Buffy go, she couldn't risk it. Buffy might not return. She might hurt someone unintentionally, or any of a hundred other things that Willow could think of.

This night was longer than the others. Buffy couldn't settle down, and she wouldn't let Willow sleep. Willow debated going out to sleep in the car, but the recollection of the noise Buffy made the last time she left was the deciding factor against that. Buffy paced, and each time Willow drifted into sleep, Buffy crouched beside her and poked until Willow sat up again.

It was after 4 a.m. when Buffy lifted Willow and carried her to the other sleeping bag. Buffy leaned against the wall and wrapped her arms and legs around Willow. In moments, she was asleep, and within a minute, Willow joined her.

Willow woke first, but couldn't move. Buffy held her firmly. It was the first time Willow had to stop and think. It was hard to be rational. She was still tired, and had been for months. First, they were on edge about Joyce and Glory. Then, she tended Tara. Next, they were running. And then. Willow stopped, and forced herself to remember. And then, she used magic to help Buffy, and fix Tara, and then Buffy was dead. Willow saw again Buffy running and diving, heard the awful thud of her body landing and the terrible silence afterward.

They buried Buffy and Giles left. Tara still needed attention and reassurance, Dawn even more. They still had to patrol, and the Buffybot needed repairs and updates almost every day. Willow took care of all those things, but she had no one to lean on, no time to grieve, even less to rest.

The spell worked. Buffy was back. But she was different, and Willow's brain finally made the connection between Buffy now and Angel after the Powers That Be returned him to the world Buffy sent him from. Willow felt a quick rush of triumph. She had been right. Buffy was in hell, and now she wasn't. Angel recovered, and Willow was confident Buffy would, too. They needed time, and that was what they had, locked in together.

Willow felt Buffy wake behind her. Buffy nosed her way through Willow's hair to the nape of her neck and inhaled deeply. Willow shivered, and Buffy did it again, tickling the fine hairs with her breath. Buffy loosened her grips on Willow, who tried to squirm free. Buffy prevented her from leaving, although Willow now had enough space to turn a little. "Hungry?" she asked.

"Hun. Gry," Buffy repeated. "Sur. All."

"Sur. All. Oh, cereal, right. I think we still have some. You want cereal?"

Buffy nodded.

"You have to let me go."

"No."

"I can't reach it from here."

"No go."

"No go," Willow agreed. "Just get cereal."

Buffy released her hold, and Willow got to her feet. Buffy stood, too, and followed Willow across the cage. When Willow went far away from the door, Buffy went to the other end to get water for them. They met in the middle. Willow sat. Buffy stood, holding out a bottle of water, waiting to exchange it for the cereal.

Willow stood up again, and as she lowered herself to the floor, said, "Sit. Willow sits. Buffy, sit."

Buffy seemed to think it over for a while before dropping into a crouch in front of Willow.

"Close enough," Willow decided, and opened the box. She put it between them and waited to see what Buffy would do.

Buffy put a water bottle on either side of the box. Willow reached in and pulled out a handful of cereal. After a few seconds, Buffy did the same. Willow was elated. Buffy was learning quickly. Perhaps they wouldn't be here too long. Willow hoped not. She really wanted a shower, and Buffy could use one, too. Buffy grudgingly permitted her to clean her face and hands with the wipes, but that was the extent of her cooperation.

After eating, the day seemed to drag. They repeated their game of the day before. Buffy brought Willow things, and repeated the word Willow gave for them. Buffy even let Willow nap for brief intervals, but always woke her with a gentle nudge. As the day drew to a close, Buffy again became agitated. While she paced, Willow talked, telling Buffy everything she could remember since the day they met. Occasionally, Buffy seemed intrigued, and crouched in front of Willow, listening. Usually she paced and growled.

Willow fell asleep, and like the night before, Buffy woke her. "We can't patrol yet, Buffy. Let me sleep."

"Patrol?"

"Slay vampires."

"No." Buffy crossed the cage and crouched at the door. She tested it, but it held firm. She turned around and looked at Willow, who was nodding off again.

"No," Willow agreed. She lay down, cradling her head on her folded arm.

She woke early in the morning to find everything from the bags strewn about the cage. In her boredom, Buffy pulled everything through the bars and laid it on the floor for inspection. Willow sat up and Buffy bounded over to her, a bottle of water in one hand and a can in the other. "Breakfast," she said clearly.

Willow looked doubtfully at the can, but said, "All right." She got up and looked around for the can opener. Things weren't the mess they appeared at first glance. The can opener was on top of a pile of cans, all the shiny metal items in one place. The remaining things were grouped by color or texture. Willow got the can opener and a spoon from the top of the pile of cans and returned to Buffy. She opened the can and demonstrated how to use the spoon. A few moments later, Buffy was happily emptying it of baked beans. When it was finished, she got another can and presented it to Willow, who opened it for her.

While Buffy ate, Willow looked around and tried to figure out how to return things to storage without upsetting Buffy. Buffy emptied the second can and stretched. She yawned, and Willow hoped Buffy would sleep so she could restore order to the small space. Buffy had other ideas. She pulled Willow toward the back wall, and took her usual sleeping position, sitting up with Willow's back pressed into her front and held in place by Buffy's arms and legs. Willow sighed and wished she had remembered to throw at least one book in a bag.

Buffy didn't sleep long, and when she woke, was amenable to helping Willow. There were fewer bags this time, and they lined the inside of the cage to the left of the door. Buffy said the name of each item she picked up. She added descriptive terms to them as well, and Willow smiled at the return of Buffy's language skills.

When they finished, Buffy sat across from Willow and looked expectantly at her. "Willow talk."

After thinking for a few seconds, Willow picked up their story where she left off the night before, in the third year of their friendship. Buffy listened carefully, and nodded a few times, as if she recalled the events Willow recited. When Willow began to talk about her vampire alternate, Buffy's head snapped up.

"Buffy?"

"I remember, Will."

"Buffy?" Willow said again.

"Yeah."

Willow pushed herself forward and knocked Buffy back as she wrapped her arms around her. "I missed you so much." She pulled back to look at Buffy, who wouldn't meet her eyes. "You all right?"

"Not sure."

Willow moved from on top of her and stood up. She held her hand out and Buffy took it while getting to her feet. When she was upright, Willow hugged her again, and this time, Buffy wrapped her arms around Willow's waist, and began to weep. The one thing she wanted more than anything for as long as she could remember was comfort, and now she had it. Willow petted her, stroked her hair, and occasionally said, "It's all right now."

It took a long time for Buffy to settle down, and even after she separated from Willow, she held her hand. Buffy took a deep breath and asked, "Can we get cleaned up?"

"Thought you'd never ask," Willow answered with a grin. "You need to let go for a second, though." Buffy frowned, and Willow clarified, "Just long enough for me to get the keys."

Buffy released her hand, and Willow dug in her pocket. She removed two key rings and transferred them to her other hand before taking Buffy's again. Willow unlocked the cage, leaving the key in the door, and led Buffy outside. They got in the car and Willow started it. She turned to Buffy. "Do you want to go home?"

"Not right now. I can't deal with them yet."

"My parents' house?"

"Can we go somewhere that isn't in Sunnydale?"

Willow turned and looked at her.

After a few seconds, Buffy raised her head and looked back. "It's too much, Willow. I need someplace neutral."

"All right." Willow put the car in gear and reached for Buffy's hand. Buffy held it tightly, careful not to injure her.

Willow avoided all the places the Scoobies might be as she left town, heading north. They passed through two small towns. At the outskirts of the third, Buffy said, "This is far enough."

"All right." Willow saw Walmart. "We need to get some clothes and stuff." She pulled into the parking lot. "Are you going in with me?"

"No."

"You'll be here when I get back?"

"Yes."

"Promise?"

"I promise," Buffy said.

Buffy was there when Willow came out with four bags. She put them in the trunk and got back into the driver's seat. "The checker said there's a decent hotel about two miles up the road."

Buffy nodded.

"You hungry?"

"A little."

Willow drove through the parking lot to the KFC at its edge. She got a bucket of chicken, a bunch of sides, and two large drinks, then went looking for the hotel. She found it easily, and left Buffy in the car while she registered. They had two suites available on the back side, and Willow took one of them. She drove around and parked the car. Buffy gathered the food while Willow got the bags from the trunk. They went inside, and Willow found their room.

The kitchen was just inside the door, and Buffy put the food down on the small table. Willow walked a little further in and dropped the bags on the couch. She returned to the table, where Buffy still stood. "You all right?" Willow asked again.

"A little overwhelmed," Buffy admitted.

"Sit down," Willow instructed, and Buffy did. Willow checked the cabinets quickly and found plates, glasses, and cutlery. She piled food on a plate and put it in front of Buffy. She fixed a smaller helping for herself and sat down. When they finished eating, Willow suggested, "Shower?"

Buffy looked at her lap. "I feel stupid about this, but could you, you know, with me?"

"You want me to shower with you?" Willow looked at Buffy, frowning a little.

"I can't be alone any more."

"Ok," Willow agreed slowly.

Buffy gathered their plates and put them in the sink while Willow put the uneaten food in the refrigerator. They went to the bathroom together. Buffy stripped and got in first. Willow got in behind her moments later, and gasped when she saw Buffy. Buffy was far too thin, and covered in injuries in various states of healing. One, near her left shoulder blade, began to ooze blood as the water washed away its covering of dirt.

Willow washed Buffy's back gently, and knelt to clean her legs. While she stood, Buffy turned. She leaned her head back to let water run through her hair, and Willow used the washcloth to clean spots that Buffy missed. They washed Buffy's hair three times before she was satisfied it was clean, and traded places with Willow so she could bathe.

Willow wrapped a towel around herself and helped Buffy dry off. She casually rested her hand over Buffy's shoulder wound and quickly chanted a small healing spell to seal it. Willow left the bathroom and returned with two of the Walmart bags. She put one on the counter by the sink and dumped the contents of the second into the sink. From the other, she pulled underwear and oversized shirts. She looked at Buffy and smiled. "Not yummy sushi or anything like that, but I was in a hurry."

Buffy smiled back at her and accepted the items Willow handed her. She dropped the towel and pulled the shirt over her head, transferring the package of panties from one hand to the other. When they were both dressed, they went into the bedroom and turned back the bed. The bathroom light stayed on, but they didn't turn on the bedroom lights. They got into bed, sighing at the comfort of something other than rock, and moved toward its center. Buffy turned on her side and put her arm across Willow's abdomen. "I keep thinking I'll wake up," she said.

"After some sleep." Willow said firmly.

"I don't know if I can sleep like this," Buffy said.

"What do you mean?"

"Without you for a security blanket."

Willow patted Buffy's arm. "I promise I'll be right here the whole time."

Buffy closed her eyes and scooted closer to Willow. Willow slid her arm under Buffy, and Buffy moved her head to Willow's shoulder. Willow's hand moved through Buffy's hair. They both fell asleep quickly. Buffy threw her leg across Willow's and pulled her closer. The memories that churned in her dreams were fearful and exhausting, but Willow somehow drew her from them before they spun out of control. Buffy woke several times, but each time she was on Willow's shoulder, the redhead's arm resting against her back and her hand on Buffy's hip. Each time, Buffy moved closer to Willow. She was afraid, and Willow made her less afraid.

Buffy wasn't certain why, specifically, she was afraid. She hated to recall the constant battle to survive. Her back still ached where a demon's horn caused a deep puncture wound that didn't heal. At this moment, she was clean and in bed with the one person she trusted completely. She wasn't hungry. Nothing was coming for her. There was nothing vaguely supernatural pinging Buffy's senses. If it was a dream, it was a welcome escape from what she landed in after diving from the tower – 'important life lesson,' she noted, 'always go feet first.' To survive, she surrendered and let the Slayer take over. She had a thousand questions for Willow, but they were both so tired. Willow was asleep, her breathing slow and regular.

When the sun came up, Buffy got out of bed and opened the curtains. Their room faced east, and Buffy returned to her position on the bed to wait for the sun to come into sight. When it was fully in her eyes, she was able to close them and stay asleep.

Willow woke late in the afternoon. Buffy had pushed under her shirt, and Willow hated the rush of erotic thoughts Buffy's touch triggered. There was a long-standing list of reasons not to think of Buffy as any more than her best friend. Buffy wasn't helping, though, as she moved more and more onto Willow. Willow glanced down and met Buffy's eyes.

"Are you real?" Buffy whispered.

"As real as you are," Willow answered hoarsely.

"You saved me." Buffy wasn't sure why they spoke so quietly.

"Kinda had to."

"Was I dead?"

Willow closed her eyes for a moment, and opened them before answering. "Yeah."

"How long?"

"Five months."

"It seemed a lot longer."

"Here, too."

"Can we just not go back?"

"What?"

"I don't want to go back there."

Willow was stunned.

"I can't do it. I can't fight anymore."

Willow silently weighed Buffy's request. Could she leave them? She wasn't certain. Seeing Buffy, she knew that to return to the Hellmouth would be to kill her again. She stared at the wall while she debated. Buffy brought her away from it. "The only times I'm safe are with you."

Willow smiled. "Exactly how I feel."

"Are you sure this is real?"

"I swear, Buffy."

"All right." Buffy shifted to a more comfortable position, even though it meant she could no longer see Willow's face. She had Willow's heartbeat steady in her ear, and it was enough for the moment.

Willow looked at the top of Buffy's head while she thought. She hadn't called anyone. They probably thought she was dead, killed by the demons rampaging through Sunnydale. Tara could track her with magic, but would she try? Willow felt relief at the thought of not returning to Sunnydale. She had been responsible for all of them, even Xander to a degree. She was worn out before they followed Tara across town in the spring, and it had only gotten worse. Tara and Dawn both had nightmares. Willow would have, too, if she had been able to sleep for more than an hour or two at a time. But she hadn't. There were always dozens of things she had to do. They would be waiting for her, all those things, and added to them the need to somehow keep Buffy alive. She could do one or the other, but not both.

"You really don't want to go back to Sunnydale?" Willow asked softly.

"No," Buffy answered immediately.

"What about Dawn?"

"I did what I had to do for her."

"That's not an answer, Buffy," Willow chided gently.

"I don't know how to take care of her. I can't even take care of myself."

"Still not an answer."

"She's better off without me," Buffy said.

"She'd disagree with you in a heartbeat."

"I can't do it, Will."

"I'm just trying to make sure you know what you're doing."

Buffy sat up. She looked down at Willow, her eyes dark and serious. "I know. I just, I can't go back there. I can't keep doing it. I'm so tired."

"Then lay down and rest."

"Can't sleep at night." Buffy began to back off the bed.

Willow reached out and grasped her forearm. "Don't run from me now."

"I'm not running."

"Talk to me."

"I need to close the curtains before it's dark."

Willow released her and watched Buffy close the curtains. She returned to the bed and sat beside Willow. "What did you do while I was gone?" Buffy asked.

"Regular stuff, you know, patrol, take care of Dawn and Tara, keep the 'Bot running, research."

"Who took care of you?"

Willow didn't answer. She thought about the past months, trying to find more than a moment or two the others put her ahead of their own needs.

"Will?" Buffy prompted.

"I did."

"They'll be better without us," Buffy said after a few seconds. "Xander will make them leave. He only stayed because of us."

"I know." Willow sat up and slid over beside Buffy.

Buffy took her hand without looking. She craved contact that wouldn't hurt. Willow could hurt her, but not by touching. Night was closer, she could feel. Still, there was nothing supernatural nearby. They were safe. Buffy realized she was hungry, and stood up, pulling Willow along. "We should eat."

"I got clothes for us, if you want to go out."

"No, let's just stay here."

"All right. Go find something on TV and I'll get everything."

They ate in front of the television, sharing cold chicken and passing the side dishes back and forth while reruns played unnoticed in the background. Buffy gathered their trash and added the plates and forks to the pile in the sink. She returned to the sofa and sat beside Willow. She was restless and anxious, and the constantly changing pictures didn't help, so she turned the television off. "Talk to me, Willow."

"What do you want to talk about?"

"You were telling me about us."

"I was trying to bring you back."

"I was kinda crazy, huh."

"Just a little. It's all right. I'm amazed you're doing as well as you are. It took Angel a couple months to get his stuff together."

"I don't wanna talk about that right now."

"Ok."

"Tell me what happened after I jumped."

Willow bit her lip and inhaled deeply. "Can I work my way up to that?"

"Sure."

"Um, all right." Willow paused to gather her thoughts. "We followed Tara, and the fight started. The 'Bot was fighting Glory and doing a pretty good job, and then you stepped in. I was able to grab Tara and do that spell. It worked. I guess you could tell it hurt Glory a little, but it worked on Tara, too. That was a lot of power, and I was trying to get it together so I could help some more, and I saw Dawn on the tower. Then I saw you, and I didn't see Glory any more after that. I just saw you. The sky was shredded and it was like some twisted version of 'The Persistence of Memory,' you know, the melting clocks? There were dragons and lightning and things just changed. That was sorta in the background for me. All I could hear was my breathing, and you were up there, talking to Dawn, and then you were running for the end of that platform. Everything stopped. Everything. It took so long for you to fall. I watched. I had to watch."

Willow brushed impatiently at her cheek, pushing away the tears she didn't realize were falling. Buffy watched her and wondered whether she should do anything. She moved toward the middle of the couch, closer to Willow, and put her hand on Willow's knee.

"And then you landed. That was the worst noise I ever heard. I couldn't hear anything else, but I heard you land. Dawn was on the tower, looking down. Her hand was over her mouth, and she was crying, and I think she wanted to scream. I know I did. Everyone was crying, and the minions scattered, and the crazy people wandered around. All I could do was stand there and look at you. I wanted you to get up so bad, but you didn't. Nobody moved for the longest time, and then it was like we woke up. Dawn came down from the tower, and Spike picked you up, and we limped back to the shop. Giles was bleeding. Spike was black and blue. Anya couldn't walk, and Xander carried her. I had Tara on one side and Dawn on the other and we were all crying.

"We left you there so we could go to the hospital. Tara needed a new cast, and Giles needed to be checked, and Dawn was in shock, and Anya sprained her ankle. We were there for so long, it seemed like forever. The emergency room was backed up with all the people from around the site, but they got us in and out as fast as they could. We went back to the house, and Xander and I took Giles' car and went to get you. It was early morning, then, and it had to be the two of us, we were the only ones." Willow trailed off, staring past Buffy's shoulder. She felt the warmth of Buffy's hand on her knee, and jerked slightly. She looked at Buffy's face, and couldn't stop her hand from reaching out to touch her cheek. Buffy closed her eyes and pressed against Willow's fingertips.

"It was so hard," Willow whispered, and drew her hand back. It landed on top of Buffy's on her knee. "I stopped at my house and got the yellow bedspread you like so much, and we went to the shop. We wrapped you up in the bedspread, and Xander and I buried you beside your mother. It took all day, just the two of us, and when we finished, we had to go back to the hospital and get a new cast for Xander. And then we went home. I was so tired, and I just wanted to sleep but I couldn't. Tara had nightmares, and Dawn had nightmares, and I ended up in bed between them, sitting up and watching so they could rest. The next day, Giles told us he was leaving, and he was gone by the end of the week. I was so mad at him. He just left us here to deal with everything.

"I sent Spike out to get the 'Bot. He cursed and swore he wouldn't, but I made him. No one but us knew you were dead, and I wanted to keep it that way. I called Angel, though, and sent Faith a letter. I thought they should know, and they wouldn't tell anybody, you know? I fixed the 'Bot. It always needed something, though. We patrolled, and Tara and Dawn worked at the shop while I researched and worked on the 'Bot. Every night, Tara and Dawn had nightmares. I couldn't find a way to stop them, and after a few nights, we all slept together. It was just easier. That and the nightlights helped.

"I missed you so much. I kept thinking, 'I should tell Buffy,' and then I'd remember you weren't here. And it occurred to me that maybe you weren't really dead. Maybe you got hung up in one of those hell dimensions Glory was trying to open. I tried to reach you, and I couldn't, and that was when I started researching. If you were dead, I would have been able to talk with your spirit, but I couldn't, so I started looking for a way to bring you back here. It wasn't that hard to find out how to do it, but getting everything I needed wasn't so easy. I made the others help. We didn't tell Dawn, in case it didn't work, but I bullied and whined until Tara and Xander and Anya agreed to help. And then I got to work, gathering what I needed for the spell. I thought it would be harder than it was. The hard part came after we got the Urn of Osiris, when I had to get the vino de madre. That was a couple hours before we left for the cemetery. We left Spike with Dawn and we went to get you back." Willow trailed off again. Her throat was dry, and she reached for her drink and took a few swallows. She put the glass down before she continued.

"It was hard, but not as hard as I thought it would be. I guess all that stuff I did because of Glory made me strong enough to channel all that power. I don't remember a lot of it, honestly. And then a bunch of demons came along, and one of them destroyed the urn. We kinda split up, to get away from the demons. I didn't go far, just out of their sight, and then I waited. I was so worried it didn't work, and if it didn't, we couldn't try again. And then you were climbing out, and here we are." Willow looked at Buffy and smiled.

"Wow," Buffy said softly.

"Totally," Willow agreed.

"Why?"

"What?"

"Why did you bring me back, Will?"

"I couldn't stand the thought of you being somewhere awful," Willow said. "The sewers are pretty bad, but where you were had to be a million times worse, and you didn't deserve it, not for a second, and sure not forever."

"Wow," Buffy repeated, and got up. She began to pace as she had before.

Willow watched her make two circuits before something occurred to her. "Buffy, come over here."

Buffy stood in front of her seconds later. "What?"

"Sit." Willow pointed to the end of the couch. Sitting there, Buffy could look at the curtains.

Buffy looked at Willow, but did as she asked.

"Put your feet up and turn toward me." When Buffy did, Willow turned her back to her and scooted back.

Buffy realized what she was doing, and said, "We don't have to."

"Will it help?"

"Yes," Buffy whispered, and moved her legs to make room for Willow. As soon as she was close enough, Buffy wrapped herself around Willow. She felt better with Willow as an additional shield against the dark. "Thank you," she said.

Willow felt Buffy relax a little. "Whatever you need."

"What do you need?"

Willow weighed Buffy's question. There were so many possible answers, and they were different now than they would have been a week ago. "Nothing. I'm good," she said finally.

"Willow," Buffy said. Her tone spoke her disbelief of Willow's answer.

"A little sleep, but other than that, I'm good. Really."

"Can you sleep like this?"

"Yeah. Feels nice." Willow leaned back and allowed Buffy to fully support her weight.

Buffy didn't say anything. She stared at the curtains and listened to Willow go to sleep. Buffy was bone tired, too, and found herself nodding off minutes after Willow.

Sometime during the night, they moved to bed. Shortly before sunrise, Buffy slipped out of bed long enough to open the curtains. Willow was awake when she returned. "All right?" Willow asked.

Buffy nodded and fit herself to Willow's side again. She closed her eyes, welcoming the light that kept memories at bay and allowed her to rest. It was still bright out when she woke again. Willow was watching her, stroking her hair. Buffy tried to remember the last time anyone other than Willow touched her in kindness, and came up blank. "We should get up," Buffy said quietly.

"All right," Willow agreed, but didn't move. She didn't know how long she watched Buffy sleep while she pondered all the implications of Buffy's request for them to leave. They could go anywhere. Willow was certain she could get a scholarship, and all she had to do was tell her parents she transferred, and they would put money in her bank account instead of leaving it on the refrigerator. They would be delighted that she left Sunnydale to go to a real school. She would miss Xander the most. He was part of her everyday life for as long as she could remember. Her love for Tara changed at some point. She didn't burn for the other witch's touch, didn't feel like a part was missing if they weren't together. The others would care for Dawn, and Anya could always fend for herself. Willow realized that she made her decision.

She would have followed Buffy into hell if had been an option. She would follow Buffy anywhere. A line from the Old Testament crept into her thoughts: 'Whither thou goest, I will go.' She loved Buffy, and it was fine, well maybe not fine but she would deal, if Buffy didn't love her back the same way, but it made no difference.

"Where do you want to go?" Willow asked quietly.

"Away," Buffy said firmly, immediately understanding Willow's question. She wasn't certain why Willow was asking, whether it would make a difference.

"All right," Willow said again. She thought again of what she was leaving behind, her entire life, and felt lighter. "Tomorrow."


	2. Chapter 2

The only reason Tara didn't stop moving was Dawn, whose eyes looked like Tara felt. They stayed at Xander's again, in the spare bed, she and Dawn waking every few hours with new nightmares. Around the breakfast table, they all looked terrible. Xander ate because it was expected of him. The others picked at their plates and pushed them away, but Xander emptied his first. Then he looked at them, all he had left of everyone he ever loved.

"I think we should leave Sunnydale," he said, and they all looked at him, but didn't say anything. He swallowed and went on. "There's nothing here for us. It isn't our responsibility."

"But Willow," Tara began.

"If by any chance Will's alive, she'll find us." Xander looked directly at Tara. "You know she can." He paused and swallowed again, and found himself unable to go on. After a long minute of silence, he said, "Think about it," and pushed his chair back. He still had to work. Anya followed him to the bedroom.

"Are you serious?" she asked him while he changed from pajamas into work clothes.

"Yes."

"But the money..."

"Is Giles' problem." He zipped his pants and crossed the room to stand in front of her. "I'm going, no matter what. I want you to come with me."

After a few seconds, she nodded and closed the space between them. She put her head on his chest and her arms around his waist, and Xander put his arms around her and held her. He felt better, knowing Anya would be with him. He still had the engagement ring, still wanted to marry her, and would ask her as soon as things settled down a little. She stayed there for a minute before pushing away. "Go to work. We'll need money."

"Gotcha," he smiled, and leaned down to kiss her. "Love you. See you tonight."

"Be careful."

He nodded and left the room, and Anya changed into another outfit. Before she left to open the shop for the day, she went into the kitchen. "Come down when you're ready," she said.

"Ok," Dawn said from the sink, where she washed the breakfast dishes. Tara said nothing.

Dawn finished the dishes and slid into the seat closest to Tara. "I'm with Xander," she said softly. "I want to leave. I hate Sunnydale."

Tara nodded. She was still numb from the loss of Willow. She didn't hate Sunnydale – too many good things happened there for her - but understood Dawn's feelings.

"I want you to come with us, Tara." Dawn covered Tara's twisting hands with one of her own. "I don't think I could stand it if you didn't."

Tara didn't answer. Under Dawn's hand, her own continued to twist. She felt vaguely guilty that she hadn't stopped Willow from attempting the spell, or managed to follow her when the motorcycle demons split their group apart.

"C'mon." Dawn stood up. "We should get ready and go down to the shop."

Tara nodded again, and got up.

* * *

Buffy pulled Willow into the shower with her again because the opaque curtain made her nervous. She was still certain that Willow would disappear and she would wake up alone in the dark, smelling the dank odor of rot and decay and feeling the approach of something else that meant to end her life.

Buffy looked a little better this time, Willow thought as she appraised Buffy's form. Buffy was beginning to heal externally. Internally, Willow wasn't so sure. Buffy hadn't smiled or talked at all about what she experienced during her absence. Buffy wanted her in sight all the time, and touched her more than she had since they started college. They finished showering and dressed in outfits Willow produced from the Walmart bags. Nothing was fancy, but everything fit, more or less. Buffy's clothes were too large for her, and Willow made note of that for the next trip. Two outfits each wouldn't be enough, but were enough for now.

Buffy followed her to the front desk, where Willow let the clerk know they'd be leaving in the morning, and asked for a recommendation for a restaurant. The one suggested by the desk clerk was within walking distance, a block from the hotel, and when Willow looked to Buffy for confirmation, Buffy nodded slightly.

Buffy was tense and jumpy all through the meal. They sat in a back corner, and Buffy watched the traffic, twitching ever so slightly each time a door opened or the server approached them. They didn't talk through the meal, and left as soon as Willow paid the check.

Buffy held Willow's hand firmly during the short walk back to their room. The light was beginning to fade, and that made Buffy want to move faster. She restrained herself, keeping to Willow's pace. As soon as they were in the room, though, Buffy closed the curtains in both rooms before flopping on the sofa. She looked at Willow, still standing near the entrance. "Tomorrow?"

"Yeah."

"You sure?"

"I'm sure, Buffy." Willow joined her on the couch.

Buffy turned her head toward Willow and looked at her, a small frown on her face.

"What?"

"Just, I, I, I just." Buffy fumbled for words, something formerly unusual for her. Willow touched her shoulder, leaving her hand resting there lightly. Buffy took a deep breath and began again. "Can we go now? I feel like a sitting duck here. I know there isn't anything, but the feeling." She stopped again and looked at Willow again, hoping Willow understood what she meant.

Willow saw Buffy's tension, the foot that didn't stop moving, the way her eyes moved constantly between the curtains and the door, flicking occasionally across her own face. If Buffy couldn't sleep, she probably wouldn't, either. "Sure. Give me a minute to get everything together."

There wasn't much, one bag of unworn clothes, another of dirty clothes, and a third with their toothbrushes, toothpaste and other items from the bathroom. Each time Willow filled a bag, Buffy took it from her. Willow made one last careful check of each room and picked up her keys and wallet from the kitchen table. She left the keycard there, and they went into orange glow of the building's exterior lights. Once they were moving, Buffy felt a little better, less like a stationary target.

Willow glanced at her occasionally as she drove. Buffy rested her hand on Willow's thigh and stared out the passenger window at the streaks of light. Neither of them spoke. Willow got off the freeway once to get gas. Buffy stood beside her while she filled the tank, and trailed her into the store. Willow didn't ask Buffy what she wanted. She pulled four bottles of water from the cooler and paid for them. Buffy took the bag from the clerk and followed Willow back toward the car. "Vampire," Buffy warned Willow softly, and Willow locked the doors as soon as they were inside the car.

She pulled back onto the highway and set the cruise control again. Buffy's knee bounced uncontrollably, although the hand she put on Willow's thigh was still. "I never saw any vampires," she said softly, and turned her head away from Willow. What she saw in the window's reflection was visible only to her. "There were always demons, but no vampires. Nothing that we ever saw, and they were worse than anything I fought. Worse than the Judge. Worse than Adam. Even worse than Glory. All I did was fight, and when I was hurt too bad to fight anymore, I had to keep moving. There was nothing to eat. Everything was rotting. Slimy and gross." Buffy shuddered. "Every second, I had to be aware of everything around me. It was always dark. Always. Light was never good. It meant fire, or eyes, and that meant more fighting."

Willow clenched her jaw. Buffy had to get this out, and she knew if she interrupted her, Buffy would stop talking. Willow paid attention to the traffic and listened to Buffy describe demon after demon, battle after battle, and was amazed that she survived as long as she did.

"You were the first," Buffy hesitated half a second. "Thing. Being. Creature. You were the first one that wasn't a threat. I knew you somehow. I knew you wouldn't hurt me, and I knew I had to keep you safe. I don't know how much longer I could have gone on. I wanted to quit, every minute, and I couldn't. I couldn't make myself stop."

"I'm glad you didn't," Willow said, and squeezed the hand on her thigh.

"I am now," Buffy answered. She closed her eyes and leaned back into the headrest. With Willow beside her and them moving, she could begin to relax. She trusted Willow with everything. Willow could and would keep her safe from the things in her head.

They drove steadily through the night, and near dawn, Willow pulled into the parking lot of yet another hotel chain and got them a room. Buffy gathered the bags from the back seat after Willow parked, and they went to their room without talking. Willow was tired from driving all night, and immediately changed into the oversized T-shirt that Buffy wore the last time they slept. She didn't pay attention to Buffy, who watched her change and climb into bed.

Buffy shook herself from the reverie of watching Willow and followed her lead. She slid between the sheets and wrapped herself around Willow, whose arms immediately circled her body. It amazed Buffy that something so simple could undo the trauma of the past months. Willow's scent and her steady heartbeat calmed Buffy into sleep.

* * *

They gathered around the dinner table again. Xander brought Chinese home with him this time. Dawn, Tara and Anya closed the shop early so they could go to Revello Drive and get more clothes for Dawn and Tara, who couldn't bring herself to climb the stairs and enter the empty bedroom.

Dinner was somber again. They spoke intermittently about their days at work, all knowing that when the meal was finished, the real conversation would begin. Before Xander started, he looked at them again, seeing around the table all that was important to him in this world. He took a deep breath and asked, looking at Tara, "Have you made up your mind?"

Tara nodded. Her hands twisted in her lap, and Dawn covered them with her own. "We're in," Dawn said.

"Where?" Anya asked.

"I guess there isn't anyplace with no vampires, but there have to be places with less of them."

"So no big cities," Dawn said.

"No big cities," Xander agreed. "Guess we need to do a little research."

"I'll do it," Anya volunteered.

"All right," Xander said. He looked at Tara again. "You really ok with this?"

She looked at him for the first time, struggling not to cry. She was tired of losing the ones she loved, and couldn't speak, but nodded. Xander got up and walked to her. He bent over her, hugging her, and Tara turned into him. She wept, letting out some of the grief of the past months, and Anya joined them so Tara was sandwiched between them. None of them spoke. Anya still grappled with the subtleties of human emotion, and Xander knew that only time could heal them.

* * *

Buffy jerked awake, pulling Willow along as she sat up. The doorknob moved again, and Buffy raced to it and pulled the door open, startling the maid. Buffy was breathing hard, her adrenaline level greatly elevated.

"You want me to clean?" the maid asked.

"No," Buffy said harshly, and closed the door. This time, as well as locking it, she put on the chain. The encounter left her keyed up, and she sat on the bed, shaking. Her first instinct had been to attack, and it had taken every bit of restraint she had not to. Willow slid over and curled around Buffy, rubbing her back. "I wanted to hurt her," Buffy said quietly.

"You didn't," Willow soothed. "Everything's fine. Come back to bed and sleep." The last word was nearly lost in her yawn.

Buffy looked down at Willow and nodded. Something was changing in her, changing between them. Willow moved back across the bed and Buffy followed her. They resumed their now familiar positions, and Willow fell asleep quickly. Buffy looked across her at the window for a long time, enjoying the brightness, then turned her attention to Willow. She didn't want to be around anyone else. Willow gave her everything she needed, and not for the first time, the thought that she loved Willow flitted across her brain. It used to occur to her before she died, Buffy remembered, but it was something she could suppress as long as Willow was happy. Buffy rested her head on Willow's shoulder and thought about how their lives were intertwined since they met. She fell asleep thinking about their first conversation, in the courtyard at Sunnydale High.

Again, Buffy woke to Willow's gaze and Willow's hand smoothing her hair. Neither of them spoke as their eyes studied the other's face, coming to rest looking into each other's eyes. Buffy's were still feral, Willow's darkened with concern.

"Hey," Buffy said quietly.

"Hey back," Willow answered.

"It'll be dark soon."

"I know."

"We should go."

"All right." Willow continued to toy with Buffy's hair. "We need to stop sometime for more than a few hours."

"I know," Buffy said slowly. "Wherever you want."

"A recruiter from Stanford called me a few months ago."

"Fine."

"Only if it's all right with you."

"Willow, you've given me five years. It's your turn to choose."

"It doesn't work like that, Buffy. If it's not good for you," Willow trailed off, reminding herself again that they were only friends.

"If it's not good for me, what?" Buffy wondered why it seemed like they were talking about something more than school.

"It's not good for me, either."

Buffy thought about it for a few seconds. "We'll look, ok?"

"Ok," Willow agreed.

Buffy watched the familiar sight of Willow lost in thought for a few seconds before closing her eyes. She heard and felt Willow's heartbeat and knew she was safe. She meant what she said to Willow, that it was her turn to choose what they did and where they did it. Buffy knew Willow would make certain it was good for both of them. She trusted her to do that. 'Have to trust her, don't I?' Buffy asked herself. 'I can't even pick what I want to eat.'

Willow's hand continued to smooth Buffy's hair. The Stanford recruiter said their original offer still stood. Her parents would be delighted. She had a few online friends there all ready. Willow wanted to get up and make a call, but Buffy was resting on her, and Willow wouldn't hurry her for anything. Buffy was broken in some fundamental way, and Willow didn't want to create any pressure that might cause her to lose the bits of humanity she regained.

"Wills?"

"Hmm?"

"Are you sure?"

"Positive," Willow answered calmly.

"Ok." Buffy made no effort to move. She was comfortable and safe, as relaxed as she got. She didn't want Willow to be captive to her life, even if she was willing to be, but couldn't bear the thought of Willow leaving her behind. Buffy closed her eyes. She was still worn out, although the days of rest were beginning to heal her. Night was another story. She felt eyes watching her all the time, and jumped at every noise. Night meant she had to fight, and Buffy was still unable to face that. She wanted to be done with fighting. Buffy inhaled deeply and began to doze.

Willow recognized Buffy's drift into sleep and smiled. Sleep was good. That was when Buffy healed most quickly, when she was still and silent and let her body take care of itself. Not that she ever was for long. She knew Buffy had nightmares, and was better each night at coming out of sleep before they became something that Willow had to wake her to end. Sporadic sleep was something Willow was accustomed to, after spending months protecting Tara and Dawn from the memories that stalked their dreams. Willow moved her head a few inches, kissed Buffy's temple, and closed her eyes.

When they woke again, it was dark. Buffy immediately rolled out of bed and closed the curtains. Willow sat up and fumbled for the lamp. She found the switch, and when her eyes adjusted, saw Buffy trembling in front of the covered window. Willow hurried to her and wrapped her arms around Buffy from behind. "It's all right."

Buffy nodded and covered Willow's arms with her own, but it took several more seconds for her shaking to stop. She finally inhaled deeply and turned. Buffy pulled Willow closer and buried her face in Willow's neck. Willow's heart rate accelerated, and she reminded herself again, 'Friends.'

"Guess I need a shower," Buffy whispered.

"You've got some bedhead," Willow agreed.

Buffy raised her head. "You, too," she said, and tried to smooth Willow's hair.

Willow swallowed and released Buffy. "I'll be there in a minute."

"You all right?"

"Yeah," Willow smiled. "I'll be right there."

"Ok," Buffy frowned, but stepped away.

Willow backed up until she felt the bed, and sat. She had to get her libido under control. Buffy was still fragile and in no condition to make any more life altering decisions, she reminded herself, and took a deep breath. Her friend, her best friend, needed her, and Willow resolved again that she wouldn't fail Buffy this time. The consequences of failure were something she didn't dare consider. It wasn't an option.

She got up and went into the bathroom. Buffy was in the shower, and Willow stripped, dropping her clothes on the floor before stepping into the tub. Willow automatically took the washcloth and began cleaning Buffy's back. She noted that the puncture wound was beginning to heal. It was no longer inflamed and oozing. The dozens of new scars everywhere on Buffy's body weren't changing at all, although Buffy was beginning to regain some muscle definition.

When Buffy finished showering, she traded places with Willow. She returned the favor, gently and thoroughly washing Willow's back, and waiting patiently while Willow washed her hair. Buffy handed Willow a towel before getting one for herself.

They did the other necessary things before dressing in the last clean outfits. Buffy gathered up their few things and put them in the plastic bag, then put it on the dresser with the others.

"Hungry?" Willow asked.

"Yeah."

"Want to grab something or what?"

"Whatever."

"You want to go?"

Buffy nodded.

"Get our stuff, then. Fast food, here we come," Willow said.

This time, they drove with a purpose. Before going to seek out a hotel, Willow drove them through the Stanford campus, noting to herself the location of the admissions office.

She found a hotel at the edge of campus and checked them in for five nights. Buffy trailed her to the room. She immediately dumped the plastic bags on the dresser and closed the curtains. She moved away from the windows and asked, "What's the plan?"

"I'm going to wash our clothes, and in the morning, I'll call the recruiter." Willow went to the dresser and picked up three bags. "I won't be long."

"I'll come."

"Ok."

Willow started the laundry and they wandered to the lobby. The small shop was still open, and they took a few minutes to go through it, but didn't buy anything. They returned to the laundry room, and leaned against the wall while they waited for their clothes to finish. They didn't talk. The white noise of the machines soothed Buffy, and Willow mentally planned the next few days.

Eventually, they returned to their room. Buffy carried the still warm clothes over one arm. The other hand stayed in contact with Willow. In the room, Buffy hung things up while Willow set the alarm. They changed into their pajamas, both carefully not looking at the other, before taking their now familiar positions in bed. Willow remembered to leave the bathroom light on, and she concentrated on it while she gradually slowed her racing mind so she could rest for a few hours. Buffy was asleep soon after they got into bed, and the further into sleep she fell, the closer she moved to Willow.

Willow didn't mind. It reminded her of sleepovers in high school. Buffy always snuggled, she remembered. Even then, Willow realized, she spent hours awake wondering about her friend's effect on her. Tonight, far from their home, she understood how she felt, and turned her thoughts from Buffy to the next day, and the many things she had to do after that.

They needed documents. Willow had her driver's license, but Buffy had nothing. She needed to get copies of their birth certificates and Social Security cards so Buffy could replace her driver's license. Not, Willow smirked silently, that she would ever let Buffy drive, but she would need it to find work, when she could, whenever that might be.

Willow needed a computer of her own, and then needed to email her parents. There was still plenty of cash left, and two checks from her parents, and her bank account held enough to get them settled.

The more Willow thought about what they were doing, the calmer she felt. Since she began learning magicks, the Hellmouth gnawed at her. They were far away from it now, and its hold on her was much less. She thought she should miss the others, but still couldn't gather the energy for it. Buffy twisted, trying to get away from Willow, and she kissed the top of Buffy's head and murmured reassurances until Buffy became still. Then she forced herself to relax, knowing that whatever sleep she got would be an advantage to her the next day.

* * *

Research wasn't as easy as Anya thought it would be. The store was busy, even with Dawn and Tara helping. The computer annoyed her, and she eventually turned it over to Dawn.

Willow's collection of bookmarks amazed Dawn. There were hundreds of them, neatly organized into categories covering the diversity of her interests. Some of them were helpful, especially those to coroners' offices, which allowed her review volumes of causes of death. Dawn began to narrow her search to areas north of Los Angeles.

At night, when they couldn't sleep, Dawn and Tara talked quietly. Dawn wanted wherever they went to be someplace for Tara to be happy. Dawn was far less concerned about herself than she was about Tara. Since Willow's disappearance, Tara was more withdrawn than usual, reverting to habits Dawn hadn't seen since they first met. Grief threatened to take her away, too, and Dawn refused to allow it.

After a week, Dawn had a list of possible locations, the pros and cons of each neatly labeled in columns. They went over them Sunday morning, sitting around the table in the Magic Box with donuts and coffee. They debated, and whittled the list down to two small towns, then piled into the car.

They somehow managed to get to both of them before dark. They drove around, looking at what each offered, and spent some time walking around, too. Xander talked to nearly everyone they encountered to gather additional information.

The decision was made on the drive home, and the real planning began. Anya, always practical, counted off the many things they had to do, and Dawn jotted them down in the notebook she brought along. It was late when they returned to Sunnydale, and everyone went to their bedrooms. Dawn laid down, but Tara sat up in bed, staring at the wall.

* * *

Buffy paced impatiently outside while Willow talked with people in the admissions office. She came out after three and a half hours, holding a thick envelope of papers. Buffy was nowhere in sight, so Willow sat under a tree and waited. Buffy appeared next to her a few minutes later, and Willow stood up.

"Well?" Buffy asked.

"I'm in," Willow grinned.

"Duh," Buffy answered. "Details. Now."

Willow shrugged. "They're letting me transfer in now. I'm in the same classes I was taking, and they just grabbed my record from UCSD. My first class is tomorrow morning. They gave me a list of off campus housing we can look at."

"How much?"

"How much what?"

"How much is this going to cost?"

"They're covering tuition and I got some money for books and housing. Mom and Dad'll pay the rest." Willow smiled again. "They'll probably increase my allowance since I'm going to a real school." She put air quotes around the last two words.

"So I need to find a job."

"There's no hurry, Buffy. And you can't anyway, not until I figure out how to make you no longer deceased." Willow offered her hand. "C'mon, we can look at a couple places today."

"You can't support me."

"Sure I can." Willow grabbed Buffy's hand and pulled her along, but Buffy refused to budge.

"Willow," Buffy began.

"We're not talking about this now," Willow said firmly, and tugged again. "C'mon. I don't want to live in a hotel."

For the next three days, whenever Willow wasn't in class, they looked for a place to stay. They finally found one they agreed on, a small house in a neighborhood the university hadn't swallowed up yet. The owner, who lived a few houses down, didn't ask for a credit check once he saw her college ID. Willow signed the rental agreement and turned over an envelope full of cash while Buffy stood in the background, frowning.

Willow accepted the keys, and after the owner left, turned to Buffy. "You know what this means, don't you?"

"I owe you a pile of money?" Buffy suggested.

"Nope. Try again."

Buffy shrugged.

"Shopping. We need some furniture and stuff."

"Willow," Buffy protested.

"No," Willow said firmly. "I lived rent free in your house for ages. Now it's your turn."

To ease Buffy's worries about the cost, they got nearly everything they needed for the house in secondhand stores. On their last night in the hotel, Willow went over her checklist. Her parents, as she predicted, were thrilled that she was attending a prestigious university, and immediately transferred several thousand dollars into her bank account. The electric, water, and cable were on. Her broadband connection was in place. They had a kitchen table and four chairs; a couch, coffee table, and TV stand with a TV; a bed and two side tables, plus three sets of sheets and new blankets and pillows; and a desk.

The kitchen had a microwave now, and plates, bowls, mugs and glasses were in the cabinets. Cutlery was in a drawer; other drawers held cooking tools and towels. A few pots, pans, and cookie sheets were in the lower cabinets. All they needed to do was go to the grocery store and continue their quest for a complete wardrobe.

They checked out the hotel and went to their new home early in the morning. They had the same few plastic bags, and Buffy put them on the steps to go upstairs. Willow put her new laptop, still in its stiff new case, on the desk. They looked at each other for a few seconds before Willow turned back to the desk and pulled a pen and notepad from the bag.

"Grocery list," she said to Buffy, and they met at the couch.

"I can't cook," Buffy warned.

"I know. We'll start with simple stuff."

Their first meal was spaghetti. The sauce was from a jar, but there was plenty for both of them, and leftovers for later. As dusk approached, Buffy went through the house and closed the blinds before joining Willow on the sofa.

"When can I go look for a job?"

"Soon." Willow put the papers aside. "I fixed your Social Security record, and your new card should be here soon. Same with your birth certificate. Once we have them, you can get some ID, and then you'll be set. What do you want to do, anyway?"

The idea of choosing her future stunned Buffy, and she answered slowly, "I don't know."

Her tone made Willow turn her complete attention to her friend. "You never thought about what you wanted to be when you grew up?"

"Not once I was Chosen. I mean, it was all mapped out, wasn't it? Kill vampires until one kills you. End of story."

"C'mon, Buff, when you were little, what did you want to be? I wanted to be a paleontologist for a while, and then I wanted to be a doctor until Xander cut himself really bad and the blood made me queasy."

"What do you want to be now?"

"I'm not sure. Maybe some kind of computer scientist. The nanotech research that's going on here is fascinating."

"To you."

"Yeah, to me. And don't avoid my question. What did you want to be?"

Buffy looked at the floor and mumbled, "Dorothy Hamill."

"That's who, not what."

"I don't remember."

"Buffy," Willow chided.

"Honest, Willow, I don't remember."

"Well," Willow said after a few seconds, "you can do anything you want now."

"Right."

"You don't have to decide right now. Take your time. Check stuff out."

Buffy nodded and leaned back. Willow handed her the remote. Buffy channel surfed for a while before turning off the television. She was anxious about being in a new place and got up. She moved from room to room, checking again that the doors and windows were firmly locked. Buffy ended up in the bedroom. She changed into pajamas and got into bed. She heard Willow downstairs and knew they were safe, but couldn't shake her dread. Buffy wanted to go back downstairs, to be close to Willow, but moving was out of the question. Too many things could happen in those few steps; even with all of the lights on, there were too many shadows where things could hide.

She was awake more than an hour later when Willow came upstairs. Buffy deliberately didn't watch Willow change, and waited for her to climb into bed. Buffy immediately moved next to her, and Willow welcomed her.

Even resting on Willow, Buffy's anxiety continued unabated. Willow was aware of it, but she was tired. She put her arms around Buffy, and soon was sleeping. Buffy watched her, becoming calmer the longer she was next to Willow, while she tried to figure out what she could do for Willow. She was still sorting through ideas when she fell asleep.

Time went by faster than they imagined it would. Autumn passed, and the days grew shorter as winter approached. They established a routine of sorts. Buffy pored over the classifieds, imagining herself in different jobs. None of them felt right to her, and every day she looked again, hoping that something would strike her fancy. Willow went to class and split her remaining attention between her studies and Buffy.

Buffy worked on being less needy. She worried that Willow was isolated because of her. Buffy needed Willow. She was the only person who understood at all what she had been through. Sometimes when they lay in bed, Buffy told her in more detail what happened while she was dead. She was overloaded by too much noise and too many people, and tried to avoid those situations. She wasn't certain how to interact with people other than Willow. She'd seen so many demons who looked like people, and her always high anxiety level prevented her from sorting the safe from the not safe. That, too, was unsettling. Ever since she became a Slayer, her body made those decisions efficiently, at a level she wasn't even aware of. Now, she was always on high alert, ready to flee the moment things became the least bit uncertain.

Buffy found herself taking care of the house. During the day, she was fine. Sunlight was safe. Its brightness and warmth soothed her in a way similar to Willow's presence. Buffy ran errands, did laundry, and cleaned. Several mornings each week, she went for a run. During that time, she tried to find answers for the questions that continued to bubble up about Willow. As long as they were inside after dark, Buffy was fine, or as close to it as she got these days.

She knew she was nothing like she had been before. She was always fearful now, of things she couldn't always explain. It was different than the fear that plagued her during the months before her death; that had a specific cause. This was a pervasive discomfort that was eased only by Willow's presence in what had become Buffy's safe place. It wasn't so much that she felt particularly safe in their home as much as she felt safe with Willow. Willow was always patient with her, and never asked more from Buffy than she could give.

Willow remained preoccupied with school. Even in her sleep, she mumbled formulas and equations, all of them mystifying to Buffy. She liked it better when Willow complained about frogs. Sometimes Willow said her name, and Buffy wondered what that meant. She thought more and more about her feelings for Willow, and during a morning jog came to an abrupt halt when she realized she was in love with Willow. Buffy walked home slowly, wondering whether to tell her.

While Buffy struggled with that decision, Willow watched and worried about Buffy's withdrawal. It unsettled her, and she wasn't certain what to do. Buffy remained her priority. Buffy's continuing unease made it easier for Willow to quash her physical desire for her friend. Willow hoped she could coax from Buffy the reason for her retreat over the Thanksgiving break. She was looking forward to those uninterrupted days at home. She worked extra hard in the weeks before the break to ensure she could devote all of her time off to Buffy. The extra work also distracted her from worrying so much.

Willow left the library early Wednesday afternoon, the day before Thanksgiving, and hurried home through the rain. She arrived home to find Buffy pacing. "What's wrong?"

"What? Oh. Nothing."

"You could be a little less convincing with some effort," Willow teased.

Buffy shrugged. "I've got something on my mind."

Willow looked at her watch. "Can you tell me on the way to the market? They're closing early, and I don't want them to give our dinner away."

"We can talk about it later." Buffy went to the closet and got her coat.

The trip took longer than expected, and the overcast skies hurried dusk. Buffy spent the drive home twitchily looking from window to window. In the driveway, she gathered nearly all the bags in one trip, leaving Willow to get the last three. By the time Willow reached the porch, Buffy was inside. Willow followed the trail of wet footprints to the kitchen and added her bags to those on the table.

"Sorry it took so long," Willow apologized again and shrugged off her coat. She hung it over one of the chairs to dry.

Buffy left the kitchen to complete the ritual of closing the blinds against the darkness. Willow began putting the groceries away. Buffy returned to help her a few minutes later. Once everything was in its place, Buffy put a small frozen lasagna in the oven and set the timer. She followed Willow upstairs, and found her naked.

Buffy couldn't help what slipped out. "You're so beautiful."

Willow jumped, startled. She turned her back to Buffy and quickly put her robe on.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to," Buffy backtracked.

"I didn't know you were there."

"It's true."

"Are you all right?" Willow's brows lowered while she visually examined Buffy.

"I'm fine." Buffy finally entered the room. She started to strip, unconcerned about being naked in front of Willow.

Willow took a deep breath and closed her eyes for a moment. When she opened them, Buffy was standing in front of her, her own robe loosely tied, and Willow reminded herself again that they were friends, 'only friends.' Buffy moved closer, and Willow opened her arms, offering a hug.

Buffy accepted while she tried to find a way to tell Willow how she felt. "This is nice," she began tentatively.

Willow, still struggling to quash the desire screaming through her brain, distractedly agreed. "Uh huh. Nice."

"I've been thinking a lot."

"Yeah?"

"I've been thinking about you."

Willow frowned a little, and turned enough to kiss Buffy's head. "Oh?"

"You know you're important to me, right?"

"Um hmm." Willow moved one hand up to stroke Buffy's hair.

"I'm afraid what will happen if I tell you," Buffy whispered.

"If you tell me?" Willow repeated.

"If I tell you I'm in love with you."

They both froze. Willow wasn't certain she heard Buffy correctly, and Buffy feared that Willow would refuse her.

"That's a good thing, right?" Willow asked cautiously after many long seconds.

Buffy moved her head enough to see Willow's face. "It is for me." She studied Willow's face, seeking comfort and acceptance.

"Is it a good thing if I love you back?"

"The best thing."

Willow smiled back and gently squeezed Buffy.

"Do you?" Buffy asked when the silence went on long enough to unsettle her.

"Yes." Willow smiled a little and raised her hand slowly. She brushed her fingertips across Buffy's cheek, losing herself for a moment in Buffy's gaze and the simple pleasure of touching her.

The tension left Buffy's body and she smiled. "Can I kiss you?" she asked, uncertain how else to proceed.

"Please," Willow answered in a whisper, and Buffy began the slow ascent to her lips. She was tentative at first, her lips barely brushing against Willow's, gradually deepening their kiss until her tongue explored Willow's mouth and Willow's searched hers. They reached a crescendo and gradually backed down. For the first time, Buffy knew the pleasure of a kiss that was prelude to nothing but itself.

Buffy's eyes opened slowly afterward, and saw in Willow's the fire she kindled. Buffy wanted the moment to last, to freeze her life in this perfect second, and knew she couldn't. She realized, as Willow drew her into another kiss, that there would be more of these precious seconds, They couldn't remove the charred streaks of the past months, but those could be buried a little deeper each day, and surface less frequently.

Willow remembered clearly the first time she felt the air charge between them, when Buffy sought her in the courtyard the first day of school. Each subsequent event was a step toward this moment, and the years of repressed feeling surfaced in their kisses. Willow knew clearly where she wanted to go, but determined to move at Buffy's speed. Buffy lost herself in their kisses. It was all she needed for these moments, Willow's taste, everything she thought it would be and more.

Willow reminded herself again that Buffy was still recovering. When they broke for air, she took half a step back. The look on Buffy's face at the small separation mirrored Willow's feelings, but she tried to collect her thoughts. "Dinner," she said finally.

"Dinner?"

"You know, evening meal, the one we haven't had yet," Willow answered, keeping her tone light. "We should make sure it's not burning."

"Will?"

"Hmm?"

"Are you wigged? Cause you're acting a little weird."

"I promise I'm not wigged, Buffy." Willow smiled.

"You'd tell me, right?"

"Yes," Willow answered immediately.

"All right." Buffy released her.


	3. Chapter 3

Their relationship didn't change. Buffy was vaguely disappointed. She wanted with Willow what she remembered seeing Willow have with Tara, but didn't know how to initiate the physical contact she increasingly desired. Willow, for her part, was waiting for some sign from Buffy that she was ready for more than snuggling and holding hands.

As the nights became longer Buffy was increasingly stressed. Darkness completely unnerved her, whether she was inside or out. Willow did what she could to relieve Buffy's anxiety. They went to the gym together and took a yoga class. They spent evenings on the couch, Buffy's head in Willow's lap, and while she read, Buffy watched TV. Or Willow. It didn't really matter to her, except that she found Willow infinitely more interesting than the idiot box. When Willow turned her attention from her studies to Buffy, the smile the redhead gave her warmed Buffy in a way nothing else did.

As finals approached, Willow's studying escalated into a frenzy. They were both relieved when Willow returned home after her last exam and flopped onto the couch.

"Well?"

"It was tough."

"So you'll only get at 97," Buffy teased.

"I wish."

"Give it up, Will. You know you did good."

"We'll know when my grades get here."

"How long until you start up again?"

"A month, more or less."

"Good." Buffy smiled. She slid toward Willow and leaned into her. Willow put her hand on Buffy's thigh, and Buffy lowered her head to Willow's shoulder. "I'm glad you're home."

"Me, too." Willow turned and kissed Buffy's head. "Sorry I've been so…" she began, but trailed off.

"You've been fine," Buffy said firmly.

Willow changed the subject. "What do you want for Christmas?"

"Are we doing that?"

"We can."

"What about Hanukah?"

"We can do that, too."

"What do you want to do?"

"I don't care," Willow said, realizing it was the truth as it left her mouth. They could celebrate any of the winter holidays, or none. Her parents all ready emailed her that they would be in Europe, so there was no pressure to return to Sunnydale.

"Willow," Buffy chided gently.

"It's true. We don't need any stress. You don't need any stress. We don't have to do anything just because everybody else is."

"But we always," Buffy began, and stopped. All of those things were so long ago. It felt like centuries. For the first time in months, Buffy thought of the people they left in Sunnydale. She tried to summon some feeling, any emotion toward them, but they were ghosts to her, growing more indistinct each day.

Willow waited for Buffy to say something more. She found patience in the past few months, at least where Buffy was concerned. Buffy frequently took lengthy pauses while she worked out her thoughts, and Willow regularly saw Buffy physically drift to a stop when she was thinking. It worried Willow at first, and she resisted the panic to have a physician, preferably a neurologist, examine Buffy. Now that she was used to it, it was just another of her girlfriend's quirks.

"I don't know yet," Buffy finally decided.

"That's ok," Willow reassured her.

* * *

Dawn said goodbye to her friends and left them on the bus platform. She saw Tara waiting in Xander's car, and hurried to get out of the cold. "Hey."

"Good day?" Tara asked, and put the car in gear.

"Yeah, we watched movies."

"You ready to find a tree?"

"Where? I haven't seen any tree lots."

Tara laughed. "We'll get one from the woods."

"You're kidding."

"Nope." Tara looked at Dawn and smiled. "It's not hard. We just have to make sure we don't get anything bigger than we can carry."

"Is this what you did when you were growing up?"

Tara's mood shifted, but she answered Dawn. "No, my dad always went out and got the tree." She turned onto one of the many dirt lanes along the main road and navigated their driveway. They had time to take care of the tree before the others came home. Xander caught a ride with a co-worker, and would drive to pick up Anya when she got off work at 7 p.m. When those two got home, the four of them would eat dinner together.

Tara parked the car and got out without saying anything to Dawn. She tried to hide her dark thoughts from the girl, but rarely succeeded. Dawn long ago gave up trying to improve Tara's moods. She was glad that they seemed to pass more quickly. The first week after Willow disappeared, Tara said very little, and didn't look at whoever she was talking with. Since then, Dawn saw flashes of the Tara she knew, and they came more frequently as time passed.

Dawn watched Tara go to the barn and wondered whether she should follow. She finally decided she should, and went quickly toward the barn. Tara exited first, pulling a sled with a few tools. Dawn looked at them uncertainly, then at Tara. "You're serious."

"C'mon, it'll be fun," Tara coaxed, and waited for Dawn to shrug before setting off for the trees behind the house.

It didn't take them long to find an acceptable tree. They took turns with the bow saw, and Tara held the tree steady while Dawn cut through the last bit. They moved it into the sled and went back to the house. The tree stayed at the stairs while they took a few minutes inside to warm up.

By the time Xander arrived, the tree was in its stand and Tara and Dawn were putting on lights. He greeted them with smiles, and joined the decorating party after he changed. By the time he left to pick up Anya, it was nearly finished. When they came in the door less than an hour later, it twinkled merrily.

* * *

Willow was awake long after Buffy. That was a good thing tonight, Willow realized after the third time she comforted Buffy without waking her. Buffy hadn't told her what she wanted, and Willow had a hard time thinking of an appropriate gift. Since Buffy no longer patrolled, she didn't need or want weapons. Willow hadn't seen her looking at anything, either. Buffy wasn't interested in shopping, and especially didn't like malls. She tolerated the grocery store now that she was familiar with it, and her reactions to other places depended on how crowded they were and whether exits were easily accessible. Willow turned down invitations from other students to half a dozen holiday parties because she knew Buffy couldn't go with her and wouldn't be comfortable alone after dark.

Buffy still made noises about finding a job, but Willow doubted that Buffy could manage any kind of job she for which she was qualified. She was careful to find other reasons for Buffy to remain unemployed. They had enough money, and so far, when Buffy pressed the issue, Willow was able to find a way to defuse the situation without hurting her girlfriend's fragile feelings.

Buffy was still piecing herself back together, and Willow was determined to give her all the time she needed to complete that task. Considering the brief amount of time passed since Buffy pushed herself through the ground, she was doing amazingly well. Willow was surprised that they had so few sleepless nights.

She turned her head to look at Buffy sleeping on her shoulder like she did every night. In her sleep, Buffy held on to Willow like she was afraid the redhead would disappear. Willow didn't mind. She wanted Buffy to feel secure, as safe with her as she always felt with Buffy.

Buffy tensed, and Willow knew another nightmare was coming. She rubbed Buffy's back, kissed her forehead, and began a litany of soothing sounds to calm her. This time, it didn't work, and Buffy began to whimper. That sound signaled the first escalation, and Willow began waking Buffy. It took several minutes, and at the end of the process, Buffy jerked upright, looking around wildly without seeing anything.

"It's ok," Willow said softly and slipped her hand under Buffy's shirt. She rubbed her back gently. "You're safe."

After a few seconds, Buffy looked down. "Willow?"

"I'm right here, sweetheart."

"It's coming for me. I've got to hide. It'll kill me this time."

Willow sat up and urged Buffy into her lap. "You're safe, Buffy. Nothing's coming after you."

"They won't let me leave. They won't stop."

"They can't follow you here," Willow said firmly. She kept her hands moving, touching Buffy to remind her she wasn't alone.

"Are you sure?" Buffy buried her face in Willow's neck.

"I promise."

Buffy nodded, but made no effort to move while the nightmare receded. Those two words from Willow were enough to make her feel safe. She'd watched Willow protect her enough times to believe Willow could do anything, even hold back all the demons of hell.

What she wanted, what she ached to have with Buffy might never be, Willow realized. Their lives, the one they were forging now, might be this, and only this. The Buffy she knew _**before**_ was gone, and this woman, still too thin and covered in scars, the woman who jumped at every unfamiliar noise and clutched Willow too tightly in her sleep, was here now, and Willow loved her the same way she always loved Buffy.

She continued to soothe Buffy toward the sleep they both needed. When Buffy was calmer, Willow laid down. Buffy stayed on top of her, her face buried in Willow's neck so she could keep the redhead's scent in her mind. That was sometimes enough to let her sleep more than a few hours.

They both woke early, but didn't move.

"I hate the dark," Buffy murmured into Willow's neck.

"I know."

"You don't know," Buffy accused. Her nightmares and the memories of hell were at the front of her mind, leaving her frightened, tired, and short-tempered. She tried to roll off Willow, but Willow didn't let her. Buffy struggled a little, and Willow tightened her grip. "Let me go," Buffy demanded.

"Never."

Buffy stopped moving. She pushed herself up enough to see Willow's face. "Never?"

"Never," Willow repeated. She stretched enough to kiss Buffy, moving one hand up her back to cradle the back of her head. "Nothing can hurt you now," she promised.

Buffy returned to the comfort of Willow's body, her face in Willow's neck. One hand rested on Willow's cheek while the other held onto her hair. "I hate this."

"You're doing great. You haven't even been back three months." Willow kissed Buffy's head.

"Not doing great."

"You had a bad night. It's no big." Willow kissed her again. "You're safe. There aren't any demons, and the sun will be up soon, and until then, we're staying right here."

"Can we just skip the whole holiday thing?" Buffy asked.

"If that's what you want," Willow answered.

"Maybe we can go away."

"You have someplace in mind?"

"Someplace not crowded."

"How about we just get in the car and go?"

"We can do that?" Buffy asked.

"Sure." Willow smiled.

"Don't we need to," Buffy stopped as she realized they didn't have to answer to anyone. "Can we afford it?"

"If we're not doing anything else."

"It won't be weird?"

"Why does it matter?" Willow asked, genuinely puzzled.

"I don't know," Buffy answered after a long silence. "It was never an option before, you know, to do nothing."

Willow smiled. "And now you can choose."

"We," Buffy stressed, "can choose."

Willow smiled again. "We can choose," she agreed.

* * *

They celebrated the Winter Solstice first, stumbling in their repetitions of the lines Tara chanted, and enjoying the feast afterward. It was solemn, as they reflected on their recent losses. Tara missed Willow, missed celebrating with her. She knew that after the others were in bed, she would go out and stand under the stars and remember.

Tara still slept very little. She feared the nightmares that woke her. They seemed to be getting worse instead of better, all of the terrible things she experienced jumbling into one never-ending experience that constantly replayed.

Like Anya and Xander, she worked, but only a few hours every day. It was all she could stand, but the money she made from waiting tables during the lunch rush was the difference between their household struggling and being comfortable.

Before going up to bed, Xander and Anya hugged Tara tightly. Xander, especially, still feared that Tara would leave them, and that was something he couldn't stand to consider. He was determined that there would be no more losses, no more people who left him to deal with the fallout of their absences.

Dawn stayed at the table with Tara. She was a night owl anyway, and without school to send her to bed, she saw no reason to go upstairs and read. Tara looked sadder tonight than she'd looked since they left Sunnydale, and Dawn couldn't leave her there to drown in her thoughts. She wanted to make sure that Tara got some rest, since they would both be working at the restaurant during Dawn's school break.

They didn't talk. Dawn didn't know how to begin, and Tara had no desire to initiate conversation that would only lead back to a past they could never recover. It had been an awful year, and they would all be glad to see it end.

* * *

"Which direction do you want to go?" Willow asked while they put on their seatbelts.

"North."

"North it is." Willow started the car and pulled away from their house.

They didn't talk at first, and Willow stayed off the freeway. They weren't in a hurry, and had no particular destination in mind, so the smaller roads were fine. They didn't get far the first day, and Willow made certain to have them installed in a motel room before it was fully dark.

The fourth night of their trip was Christmas Eve. They stopped for the day in mid-afternoon, in another small town that looked pretty much like the others they'd passed through. Willow made sure the car had a full tank of gas and paid for two nights in the hotel. There was still an hour or so of daylight left, so they wandered the small main drag, unconcerned about holding hands in public. Most of the shops were closed, and after their brief walk, returned to the hotel to get dinner.

Willow knew they would have time to kill because of the holiday, and packed a few things to help them pass the time. That night, they learned how to play cribbage. Buffy picked up the game quickly, and trounced her twice before they called it a night.

Buffy knew instinctively that dawn was coming, and slipped out of bed to open the curtains. They slept until mid-morning. Buffy slept soundly, secure in the sunlight and in Willow's embrace, and at noon, they made their way downstairs to the restaurant.

It was surprisingly busy, but they were tucked into a front corner. Buffy had her back to the wall, and looked around nervously. Willow thought she felt something familiar, but shrugged it off until their server arrived.

"Buffy?" Dawn gasped.

Buffy looked down. Willow lowered the menu and looked up. "Oh crap," she muttered.

"Willow?"

Willow debated for a few seconds whether an outright lie could save them, and knew it couldn't. They were trapped. "Dawn," she answered, suddenly exhausted. She reached for Buffy's hand, unsurprised to find it trembling, and turned to her. "It's all right," she comforted.

"Don't move," Dawn ordered, and hurried away.

Willow seriously debated leaving, thoughts and plans coming and going, but she concluded that running would accomplish nothing. Buffy was completely still except for the subtle quiver that pervaded her body. She gripped Willow's hand, trusting Willow to somehow fix this situation.

When Dawn returned, the others were with her. Xander was the first to stop gaping and move. He bent over Willow, hugging her so hard she couldn't breathe. She patted his shoulder with her free hand, and when he let her go, stopped him from jumping Buffy in a similar fashion. Anya stood back, observing them, and Tara just stared.

Finally, Willow said, "We'll explain everything."

Xander slid into the empty seat nearest Willow and gestured Anya into the final chair. Tara spun on her heel and returned to work. She wasn't sure what to think. Dawn, too, returned to her duties, and brought them all food and drink without asking what they preferred. When she had a few seconds, she cornered Tara outside the kitchen. "You all right?"

"No," Tara answered flatly.

"We'll be finished here soon."

"Yeah."

"There's a reason," Dawn said earnestly, and Tara nodded.

Willow felt Buffy's tension ratchet up during the meal. Xander did most of the talking. Buffy refused to make eye contact with any of them and frantically wished she'd never thought of leaving their home. These people, strangers to her, terrified her in ways demons never had. She remained silent, forcing food down with one hand, refusing to release Willow with the other.

By 2:30, the dining room was empty except for their table. Dawn and Tara joined them, standing between Anya and Xander.

"Come back to the house," Xander invited.

Willow looked at Buffy, and wasn't certain whether she nodded or was trembling. She sighed and stood up, urging Buffy to join her, but Buffy didn't move. "Give us a minute?" she asked, and after a moment the others stepped away.

Willow leaned down and spoke softly. "They can't do anything to you."

"They can make us go back."

"No, they can't."

"Please don't make me do this."

"You think I want to?" Willow asked incredulously. She took a moment to calm herself. "If we don't do it now, they'll just find us later."

"I can't," Buffy whispered.

"You can. I promise it won't be long, and then we'll come back here and sleep for a few hours and then we'll head home. I promise."

"Willow," Buffy pleaded, and finally looked at her. "Please don't."

Willow closed her eyes. She wanted to do as Buffy asked, tell them a lie and slip away, but knew it would only make things worse. If they could all sit down and talk for a few hours, they could make a clean getaway. "Stay here for a minute, ok? I'll get directions and we'll go there on our way home."

Buffy nodded. Willow left her there, and after a minute, rejoined her. "C'mon. They're expecting us within the hour."

Buffy got out of her chair and followed Willow up to their room. Neither said anything while they gathered their belongings. When she was finished, Willow sat on the bed and gestured Buffy to come to her. Buffy stood in front of her, still shaking, her eyes constantly moving without settling on anything, until Willow pulled her down. It took a few seconds to settle Buffy in her lap. "It'll be all right," she promised again, hoping it would.

* * *

Tara paced the kitchen. Her thoughts were a racing jumble of angry questions and accusations. First Anya, then Xander, tried unsuccessfully to get her to calm down. Dawn stood in the doorway and watched her.

"Don't say a word," Tara snapped at her, and Dawn shook her head.

* * *

Buffy tried one more time when they turned into the lane. "We can just go home," she pleaded.

"They'll find us," Willow said tiredly. She made a three point turn and parked their vehicle so it faced the road. She turned off the engine and got out of the car, then walked around to open the passenger door. Buffy stood up. "We won't stay long," Willow reassured her.

Buffy nodded and reached for Willow's hand. They walked to the porch and the door opened before they could knock. Dawn pulled them inside and closed the door. A moment later, she hugged Buffy.

Buffy couldn't hug her back. The emotion in the house was heavy and made it hard for her to breathe. When Dawn released her, she hugged Willow, who put her free arm around the teen.

"Let them in," Xander chided Dawn.

Buffy and Willow removed their coats and followed Xander to the living room. The tree was twinkling, opened gifts still under it. "Want something to drink?"

"No thanks."

"So," Xander said, drawing it out.

"Short version, the spell worked," Buffy said, looking at the floor.

"I want the whole story," Tara said coldly from the far side of the room.

Willow looked at her and Tara stared back. "No," Willow said finally. "We only came to keep you from looking for us."

"You can't just leave again!" Dawn protested.

That was the final straw for Buffy. She stood up, jerking her hand away from Willow, and raced out the door, leaving it open.

"Crap," Willow repeated tiredly, and got up from the sofa. "I'm sorry," she said, and moved toward the door, stopping only to get their coats. She closed it after she stepped out on the porch, and paused again to put her coat on.

She headed for the car, certain that Buffy would be running down the road. Willow ignored the house door opening and the footsteps that hurried behind her. She got into the car and locked the doors, and seconds later was driving away.

The panic that threatened Buffy all afternoon swallowed her completely as she ran blindly down the highway. They would make her go back to that place. They would kill her again. Both of them this time.

Her chest burned, but Buffy refused to slow. She saw nothing in front of her, but heard behind her the footsteps of all that things that intended to finish the job they started when she was 15. She didn't see the car cut her off, or realize what happened until she was sprawled across the hood.

For the first seconds, she struggled against Willow. Then she turned into her, clutching her and weeping. Willow tried not to be frightened as the memory of Buffy's return flashed through her mind. She didn't say anything while Buffy hung onto her.

They were still standing on the side of the road when Xander pulled up behind them. His car emptied and they converged on the couple. Dawn touched Buffy tentatively, causing her to howl. Willow closed her eyes and redoubled her efforts to soothe Buffy, ignoring the others.

It took several minutes for Willow to calm Buffy enough to get her into the passenger seat. She put Buffy's coat over her and leaned in to crank up the heat. Buffy continued to shiver, and her lips moved although no sound left her mouth.

Willow closed the car door and turned to face the others. "I'm really sorry."

"Will, what's going on?" Xander asked.

Willow looked at her oldest friend. She couldn't come up with an answer for him, and looked away. "You need to let us go," she told him.

"You need us," he said firmly.

"No," Willow answered, "we don't." She started moving toward the driver's door.

"We need you," Dawn said.

Willow hung her head and kept moving. Every second that she stayed away from Buffy was another that Buffy fell deeper into the pit she'd been coming out of. She didn't say anything else, just got into the car and locked the doors.

Willow looked at Buffy, who had pulled her coat up over her face. "We're going home," she said softly, but didn't touch Buffy, uncertain whether she would accept it. She glanced in the mirror while fastening her seatbelt and saw their lips moving.

It didn't matter, though. Nothing they could say would change anything. What Buffy needed came first, and what Buffy needed right now was to get as far away from the living memories of Sunnydale as she could. Willow put the car in gear and drove away.

* * *

"I don't believe this," Xander said disgustedly.

"What, you thought it was going to be fuzzy kittens and happily ever after?" Anya snapped.

"Yes," he replied uncertainly.

"She left," Dawn said, stunned.

Tara put her arm around Dawn. "C'mon, back in the car with you," she said calmly. Her anger was gone, buried by Buffy's actions.

They all got in the car and turned for home. The house was silent for the rest of the day, as they all thought about what happened.

* * *

Willow reached the freeway an hour after dark. Buffy hadn't moved or spoken, although her hand now gripped Willow's thigh.

Willow was exhausted. Seeing them was bad enough. What seeing them did to Buffy was horrendous. Willow feared that those few minutes would wipe out all that Buffy accomplished in the past months.

Willow finally gathered her courage to ask, "Do you want to stop somewhere?"

"Home," Buffy said decisively.

"As soon as I can get us there."

They stopped once, for gas and coffee. Willow followed the freeway, glancing from time to time at Buffy, who remained hidden beneath her coat. Buffy said nothing. She gripped Willow's thigh gently, constantly reminding herself not to hurt the redhead. The unceasing mix of memories kept her confused and fearful, and she didn't realize they reached their destination until Willow slowly pulled the coat away and coaxed her from the car.

They didn't talk as they climbed the stairs. Buffy sat on the bed and removed her boots, mostly from habit, while Willow went into the bathroom to begin filling the tub. She returned to the bedroom and stood in front of Buffy, who pulled her close and buried her face in Willow's stomach. "Sorry, so sorry," Buffy chanted quietly.

"Nothing to be sorry about," Willow told her, and bent down to kiss Buffy's head. "Get in the tub. I'll make sure everything's closed up and be there in a minute."

"Promise?"

"I promise." Willow kissed Buffy's head again, and Buffy released her.

Willow went through the house, making certain the doors were locked, and the windows locked and their blinds closed. She climbed the stairs slowly and stripped.

Buffy leaned back while the old tub continued to fill. Willow got in and settled against her without saying anything. When the tub was nearly full, she turned off the water. Buffy wrapped her arms around Willow and they both leaned back.

Talking could wait. Buffy still shivered occasionally, and Willow was drained. Seeing the others, and their effect on Buffy, was wearying. The non-stop drive compounded it, and Willow found herself dozing. Buffy's hands skated over her arms while she focused on Willow. When the water cooled, Buffy unwillingly woke Willow.

They toweled off and went to bed, not bothering with pajamas for the first time. Her exhaustion and the skin to skin contact allowed Buffy to sleep without nightmares.

Buffy woke first, and found herself atop Willow. She thought about moving, and decided not to. Instead, she inventoried each point of contact and its effect. It wasn't the first time she woke in this position, but it was the first time without clothes. Buffy was glad. She wanted their relationship to become more physical but didn't know how to move them forward. The fear that Willow might reject her preyed on Buffy's mind. She sighed and slid down a few inches so she could comfortably keep her head on Willow's shoulder.

"Hmmm?"

"Nothing, Wills. Go back to sleep."

"Buffy?"

"I'm ok."

"Mmmm, good." Willow put her arms around Buffy. After her hands took a few trips up and down Buffy's back, Willow's eyes opened fully. "Buffy?" she repeated.

"What?" Buffy raised her head and saw the uncertainty on Willow's face. She pulled herself forward a little and kissed Willow.

'Kissing is good, and naked Buffy is very good, but what if she's oh." Willow's thoughts were interrupted by Buffy's movement along the length of her body, and she couldn't stop her whimper into Buffy's mouth.

Kissing was enough for a while, and then hands began to move. They broke for oxygen, and the look on Buffy's face was her answer, but Willow felt compelled to ask, "You sure about this?"

"Positive," Buffy answered, and returned to Willow's lips.

* * *

Pounding on the door woke them. Willow slipped out of bed and peeked between the blinds. She saw Xander's car behind hers. She didn't have to say anything to Buffy, who saw her body stiffen involuntarily.

"They'll go away," Buffy said hopefully.

Willow sat on the bed and looked at the floor. "Not likely," she sighed.

"We could call the police," Buffy offered cautiously.

"I don't want to do that." Willow sighed again and stood up. She started getting dressed. "Stay here," she said firmly.

Buffy nodded, but after Willow left the room, she got dressed just in case.

Willow took a deep breath before opening the door.

"You all right?" Xander asked.

Willow shook her head and stepped back to allow the four of them in. "Coffee?" she asked.

"Where's Buffy?" Dawn asked.

"She's in bed, and we're going to leave her there," Willow said firmly, heading for the kitchen. They followed her, and took seats around the table while she started a pot of coffee.

"I'm sorry about yesterday," Willow said. She pulled mugs down from the cabinet, and put a spoon in each one before placing them on the table. Sugar and milk came next. She leaned against the counter, waiting for the coffee and for one of them to say something.

"What's going on?" Xander asked finally.

"What's going on," Willow said evenly, "is that Buffy was in hell, and it broke her."

"Why didn't you ask us for help?" Dawn asked.

"She asked me not to."

"And you listened to her?" Dawn said incredulously.

"Yes," Willow answered calmly. She glanced at Tara, who had yet to say anything.

"So you just showed up out of the blue and ran off," Xander began.

"That was an accident. We didn't know you were there." Willow shut off the coffee maker and filled the mugs. She put the carafe in the center of the table.

"But you took off after you saw us."

"Buffy was completely wigged. You thought I'd sit there and make nice with you while she was running for her life?"

"No, but you could have come back," Xander began.

"No, Xander, we couldn't. And we won't come back to visit. I"

"Be very careful what you say next," Anya cautioned her.

Willow ignored her. "It's better if we're dead to you. Buffy can't come back. She's not the Slayer any more. She's not anyone you know."

"I know you," Tara said softly.

Willow looked at her for a few long seconds. "I'm sorry, Tara. I really am."

"Sorry's just a word, Willow."

Willow looked at the floor. "I'm sorry," she repeated. "I can't let you do this to her. Go back to your lives and we'll leave you alone."

"She doesn't even get a say?" Dawn asked.

"She had her say yesterday, Dawn. You saw her." Willow hardened her tone. "She said you're better off without her."

Dawn's eyes filled with tears. "You're just saying that."

"No, she isn't," Buffy said from the doorway.

Everyone but Willow turned toward Buffy, but remained in their seats. Willow went to the doorway. She blocked the others with her body while she asked, "You ok?"

Buffy shook her head. "You need me," she answered quietly.

"Thank you."

Buffy nodded and Willow stepped to one side. "I can't be who you remember. I can't be whoever it is you need me to be for you. I'm not the Slayer any more, and I can't save the world."

Dawn got up and approached her. Buffy backed away. Dawn stopped, and Buffy fumbled for Willow's hand. "You selfish bitch," Dawn said angrily.

Willow stepped between them. "Enough. I know you're mad. But this is how it is."

Buffy walked away. Willow glanced over her shoulder when she heard Buffy on the steps, then looked past Dawn to Xander. "We're done here," she said firmly.

Xander nodded and stood up. Anya followed him to the doorway, where he put an arm around Dawn's shoulders and led her toward the door. Tara waited until they left the house to look at Willow again. "I don't even know what to say."

"Then don't say anything," Willow said tiredly. "Go home and take care of each other."

Tara stood up. "We were going to love each other our whole lives."

"I'm sorry," Willow repeated again. She raised her eyes to Tara's face, the other woman standing in front of her, hoping she would understand. What she saw dashed that hope.

"Goodbye, Willow," Tara said, and stepped around her.

As soon as the door closed again, Buffy flew down the stairs. She wrapped herself around Willow, wanting to give comfort as much as to receive it, and was relieved when Willow's arms went around her. A moment later, Willow was shaking with tears, and Buffy silently held her while Willow cried herself out. When she was sure Willow was finished, she guided them to the couch and put Willow in her lap.

"They'll be back," Willow whispered.

"I know." Buffy kissed her cheek.

"I hurt her so much."

"Me too."

"What are we going to do?"

"I don't know." Buffy tightened her grip on Willow. They stayed there for more than an hour.

Buffy followed Willow to the kitchen. After Willow cleared the table, Buffy made sandwiches while Willow washed the mugs and coffee pot. They sat and ate, and Buffy cleared up afterward. They returned to the couch and put the television on for background noise.

A few hours later, the sound they dreaded intruded. This time, Buffy answered the door and let Tara in.

Buffy brought in chairs from the kitchen and Tara sat in the center of the couch. They looked at each other for a long time.

Tara went first. "Dawn's still mad."

"Yeah."

"She doesn't understand."

"I know," Buffy sighed. She inched her chair closer to Willow's.

"I don't understand either."

"What do you want me to say, Tara?"

"I want you to tell me the truth, Willow."

Willow stared at the floor and let Buffy lace their fingers.

"We don't have to," Buffy said defiantly.

Willow squeezed her hand and raised her head. "I chose her," she told Tara calmly. "I couldn't let her die again, and if we did what you wanted, that's what would have happened."

"You don't know that."

"I do," Buffy said quietly.

Tara looked at her, frowning.

"You expect so much from me," Buffy said. "I gave everything," she enunciated, "and you all expected Will to patch me up so I could do it again. I can't."

"We didn't," Tara began.

Buffy talked over her. "You know what's a good day for me now? Leaving the house for a couple hours in the middle of the day, having Willow home before dark, and sleeping with a light on."

"Tara, nothing's going to change. Go home. Take care of each other. Please don't make us do something to make things worse."

Tara stood up. She looked at them again, both drawing what little strength they had from each other. She didn't say anything, just put on her coat and left. Buffy got up and locked the door, then returned to Willow and held out her hand.

After a few seconds, Willow accepted it and let Buffy lead her upstairs. Buffy removed Willow's shoes and her own before putting them in the center of the bed, wrapped around each other. They ignored the knocking on the door that recurred into the evening.


End file.
